Nepenthe {joshler}

iii.

josh had been dragging his feet all morning, distracted.

"you okay?"

a strong arm claps josh on the back almost knocking him over.

"i'm fine." josh forces a smile.

dallon seems unconvinced but he gives nothing more than a quirked eyebrow and a scoff.

the bell rings in the background but josh stops walking.

dallon turns to look at him, confused.

"i'm gonna go somewhere, cover for me?" josh asks, but it's barely a question, and he's already walking the opposite direction from his math class.

dallon cautiously puts a hand out to stop him leaving, but he stops short of grabbing josh. josh freezes as he feels the hand close to him, turning to look at dallon.

"you're not really going to see him, are you?" he asks and josh gives him a knowing look. dallon shifts feet awkwardly. "doesn't your mom care, that you're fucking a twenty two year old?" his brow is furrowed and josh is reminded yet again that dallon isn't really his friend, not truly. he's kept him at arms length for so long, that he no longer knows anything about josh, but the scraps of details. tyler's age, but not the nature of their relationship, his mom being crappy, but not anywhere close to the extent of the reality.

josh wants to say so many things. things like "we're not fucking, tyler wants to wait 'til i'm eighteen". like "my mom's in jail as of last night and i'll probably never see you again when i'm put into a foster home next week". but instead all that comes out is a harsh,

"that would require her to be sober enough to remember how old i am."

dallon blinks, and josh takes the opportunity, while dallon is shocked, to turn and walk away.

he picks up a run half way across the school parking lot and he doesn't stop until he feels like he's going to puke.

then he walks, out of breath, but all he can think about is tyler. part of him panics, he forgot to check the time before he left, he runs over tyler's work schedule in his head, he has it memorised because he doesn't have a phone to call him on, and realises he should be okay today.

when he finally stands on the front lawn of tyler's rental house, he seems to seize up again. panting hard, he tries to compose himself. he still gets self conscious of being unattractive to tyler, all sweaty and out of breath, just like he still gets butterflies every-time he sees him. he feels sure tyler will leave him, a million reasons go through his head when he thinks of why someone as perfect as tyler wouldn't put up with him.

"hey, kid, you alright?" someone asks and he realises that he's probably been standing there for a good ten minutes.

"joshie?" 

there's careful hands taking his face into them, and josh flinches then. the fingers are cold and his stomach churns at the memory of his drunken mother, curling her fingers around his chin and yanking, until he looks into her cold dead eyes, before she spat about how his father was dead because of him and shoved him so hard, he'd fall down the stairs and probably break something.