Seven Things You Should Not Put In Your Pockets

Pockets are great. You can put all kinds of things in them: hands, a wallet, a phone, loose change, bus passes (if you are the sort of person who takes the bus), car keys (if you are better than a bus person), plane tickets to visit Janis, who left you and moved to Oslo, Norway. But pockets are not for everything. Some things should not go in your pockets. Let's list a few.

1. Babies - Don't put these in your pocket! They go in strollers, or baskets, or in a womb if they aren't quite finished. Besides, they are generally moist and as we all know wet things and pockets do not go well together. Plus they are a reminder of what you and Janis will never have. Remember when you had the conversation and she said she didn't want a baby. She sure looked pregnant on Facebook.

2. Entire blocks of cheese - Hey weirdo, why are you putting cheese in your pocket? And in entire block form? Stop it. Pockets are not meant for cheese. Also how are you going to eat it? You don't have a cheese knife. Are you going to take bites out of a cheese block? That is just the sort of uncultured shenanigan that made Janis leave you.

3. Other pockets - Pockets into pockets is just putting empty space into other space. That is how you make black holes. Hey brainiac, please don't destroy the world. Please don't make your grief be our grief.

4. Gravy - Okay, so IF you have your pockets lined with some kind of plastic wrap, and IF the gravy is a comfortable yet edible temperature, and IF you know you will be near a roast within 10 minutes of putting on your pants, then MAYBE you can get away with it. But please use your common sense here.

5. Your hopes and dreams - Why bother? They left with Janis. To Oslo, Norway.

6. Ghosts - They are super hard to put anywhere. It's kind of what makes them ghosts.

7. Plane tickets to Oslo, Norway to see Janis. - She left you. And went to Oslo, Norway. Take a hint and don't make it weird. Nobody goes to Oslo, Norway for work. They go to get away from people with pockets full of gravy. You just had to risk it, and now look at you. Maybe if you had followed this list before she left, she wouldn't have left. But no, you were Jonny Cavalier when it came to pocket etiquette. Now what do you have? Pockets full of cheese, and gravy, and a bed that is markedly not full of Janis. Let this be a lesson to you.