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What Might Prolong Any Updates

I had a rough experience today.

For the record, I just wanna state I've never been ostracized for being pansexual, mainly due to the fact that I'm not very open and public about it and my family doesn't know because my parents appear pretty homophobic. Usually the philosophy I have is if someone asks me: I tell them. I'm not ashamed of being open to my peers, and I think I live most of my life that way.

But y'know, there's a first for everything.

I was scrolling through Facebook, as I do, my friends and I tag each other on lots of stuff and all of a sudden something pops up that.. catches my attention. Lo and behold, it's a post form my ex, a person who very rarely used social media to begin with, and on top of that, is a bit.. harsh when it comes to minority groups. You could say he's very conservative.

Anyways, he posted something or other about how gay people (and other members of the LGBTQ community) should be denied various rights and blah blah blah. What's worse? A lot of the information he used was.. how do you say.. oh yeah, bullshit evidence and irrelevant to every point he was trying to make.

And you know when you get that feeling in your chest when something hits you so hard that you can feel the pain of it? Yeah well that's me in this moment. Not only did this person date me (a pansexual female) he dated a bisexual girl (one I am currently friends with) before.

So, me being a doofus, I go to comment and boy, am I ready to go on a rant.

Then I remember I am still considered in the closet and don't want any member of my family to be able to see this comment I am about to post.

So I text him, and I say something along the lines of "Hey that post you made on Facebook this morning was really offensive, I was hoping you could take it down since most of what you're saying is due to you being ill informed and it's bad to spread around wrong information."

And that little prick asks me, "what does it matter to you."

So I kindly remind him that I am pansexual but nonetheless: it's offensive to many people.

He then replies: So?

I simply asked him to be a little open minded about the situation and remember that no gay person is by choice and it does not impact the rest of their performance/activities and they're just like everyone else.

He then says to me (and this shocks me, because never had he been rude like this) "Who cares what a fag like you thinks? You're just like the rest of them, disgusting."

I swear I thought I felt my soul leave my body.

He goes on his rant, and even though I am trying to calmly tell him why he's wrong I'm starting to lose my control.

Normally, I'm pretty good about keeping myself under wraps and allowing certain things to only exist inside of my mind. Even a lot of people I'm friends with recognize me to be very upbeat and friendly because even on bad days I keep it all inside. Well, sometimes things just happen and you snap.. right?

This was a new experience, and I lost control.

So, I begin to call him every cuss word I know and ridicule him for being such an ignoramus to not even be able to provide a logical fact. And he pulls this card:

"No wonder I broke up with you. You're fucking insane."

Haha.. Ah..

Oh man.

Oh-ho man.

Well he's got me there! (Sarcasm)

But no matter, I'm about to show him..

..What insanity really looks like.

Well that was the plan, halfway through typing a long message he also decides to lay this gem on the table:

"You deserve every abusive relationship you were in, it's the only way to keep a crazy like you under control."

(Which is three relationships spanning over the course of five years). Of course I get that feeling in my chest again and suddenly succumb to my own self-doubts and I simply don't reply. I delete my message, and I set my phone down. I'm just, y'know, thinking about it. And I realize he stopped attacking the fact that I'm pansexual and then just aimed at weak spots he knew I had. He kept doing it too, saying how I'm..

Worthless

Disgusting

Insane

Idiotic

You get the point.

So, what do I do?

I screenshot the messages and send them to his mother on Facebook (a very lovely woman) and say, "Please tell your son to leave me alone."

She apologized for his behavior and said she would correct it. I got a half-ass apology from him and then him spouting out how he couldn't believe I'd rat him out.

So yeah. You could say I've had a rough time and my mind is everywhere and nowhere and I'm just so.. miffed as to what happened. It would be different if he was a stranger but he wasn't. At one point we would say we loved one another, and we would cuddle and sleep with one another and everything was perfect but only because I refused to recognize some of his crueler behaviors: this being a prime example.

So, today, I experienced direct homophobia. I think with sincerity I can say I'm very fortunate, because I don't know how people go through this every day.

I was really on the fence about sharing this, not that I think you guys will bash on me (because c'mon, if you're here, you read gay fanfiction) but because this is something that happens to people all the fucking time and it was just something that happened to me (directly) for the first time today. 

I guess there really was no rhyme or reason to post this other than: this is why I didn't update today. My mind is so clouded and fogged right now and my world still feels like it's spinning and when I went to post a chapter of Fade (because today is Fade's day) I realized I didn't have a single chapter ready -- normally I type my chapters over the weekend and they're ready to be disbursed through the week.

Well, not this time. 

I also had a chapter for The Lover half way done and was going to finish that but I just can't really get my mind around it, or anything I'm writing. I can definitely say I have chapters prewritten for tomorrow's update, but otherwise I'm kind in a blur and I just can't really focus on writing. Maybe I'll feel better in a few days, but I don't know how people do this every day.

And that's what kind mades me the saddest out of this whole situation, it happened to me once and it feels like everything is crashing around. I'm from Vermont -- pretty gay state, the first to legalize gay marriage -- so this kind of thing doesn't happen a lot to me. Besides that, a lot of people don't know, so I don't really deal with it and I never dealt with it in high school. 

I'm really sorry that this is the world we live in, and I'm also sorry I didn't get an update out today. I hope you all have good days and yeah. That's it, sorry this is so long it just felt like I needed to get this out there especially if it is impacting my schedule.

Rinny