I never felt so wrong in many ways. Not until tonight.
I was a cannonball sent across the sky, flying through the atmosphere, and landing on my bed with my arms crossed below my face. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how it’s possible to put a “LOL” on my diary. It was more of a hard fck expression. Like, fck me for doing that.
She was texting me, saying that everything’s fine. But I am not buying it. How could someone tell you “hey, don’t worry, okay?” after saying that “I am not happy with what you’ve done.”
I felt so bad, I stopped everything. I stopped touching my unfinished school works, or even thought of my phone as an evil machine. All I got is sad music and my regrets. But how could I regret what I did if I thought of it as an effort? Shan, I just thought..you’d like it. I’m sorry. Really sorry. My mind is now hitting my heart, for being so fragile, so easily swayed.
I guess, good intentions do not end up good at all. I was wrong. What I did. The timing. Everything. I messed everything up. And I’m even too torn to say the whole story. All I know is I was traveling down the road I’ve seen once, with a paperbag that has her fave in it. Something she would always crave for.
But she never came out, even if I texted her to just come get the “thing”, cause..she was too lazy to do so. You know what, I’m still asking myself. Why was she too lazy to just...see me? It pains me still up to now. I’m typing these words as slowly as I could, cause each word takes a sharp breath, and it pricks my heart.
“You scared the folks here. They flocked around the paperbag and thought it was a bomb.” I didn’t reply. All I could think of is, then why didn’t you meet me up instead and take it yourself.
“I just don’t want them to think of you as her,” she said. As if making an excuse. But it’s more like a reprimand.
I eventually stopped thinking. And feeling. I just wanna stop being me tonight. I just want to fade along with the stars. I am helplessly searching for the undo button but I know it’s not there. I couldn’t simply wish to go back to the sane me. It’ll be like hitting the replay button after you skipped the song with your playlist set in a shuffle, it’ll never be the same song.
Slowly, I withdrew my arms away from my face then chose the fetal position. I want to hug someone right now, even if it means hugging myself. I know that from someone’s point of view, I look pathetic. Completely. Fucked. Up.
But maybe that’s love. Maybe it means being pathetic and feeling fucked up at times.
Then I ask myself again, as curious as ever, why do I have to feel this right now? Just when I have my hopes up. Just when I was so in love.
Maybe,
Maybe, I should’ve just said yes.
But Maybe,
Maybe, it’s better off that we’re just friends.
