After doing this novel, which only took half a day to finish because everything is too easy to recall, just hard to type in, I realized a lot of things. Finally, questions like how did we end up like this? Why do we have to eventually lose our relationship, even just as friends? And, what happened to us? These were all answered, although I’m not sure if any of these answers are even right.
First of all, I want to acknowledge my feelings. Yes, I was deeply in love with this person. And I know for a moment she too fell in love with me. Circumstances happen, or let’s say, shit happens. Maybe we were not meant to be, but hey who am I to say that the end is too far away, right? and maybe when it comes, I can’t even tell if it really is the end. so I just have to keep moving forward. Cause there’s nowhere else to go. By admitting that I am in pain, up to now, it only proves that I am a step away from depression. Hearts heal. Eventually.
And you know what, endearments are just endearments. One moment you were calling each other “honey” or “baby” then by night, you’d call her by her first name because you two were losing the spark. Well, if I were you, don’t ever let that spark to die. Let it live. Take care of it. If you had to blow 24 hours nonstop just for it to turn into a flame, then do it. Don’t wait for it to die then mourn cause there’s no rewind. It’s just now or never.
And if you meet this awesome person and you fell in love with her knowingly or unconsciously, then tell her! Stop hiding those feelings. If the mute could speak, it would surely say I love you nonstop. Don’t wait for both of you to be mutes permanently. Let her know. There’s no harm in letting someone know about your feelings. If she loves you, then she’ll listen. If she doesn’t, then fuck her! Nah, just kidding.
******
Shan did amazing things. She made me love tattoos, and appreciate gore. She is the first ever person who summoned the wildest creatures that could possibly thrive in my tummy. The moon was nothing but a round acne-severed thing above the sky, but now I can’t call it a sky unless there’s a moon. Shan changed me in both ways, both in broken and made ways.
So I guess right now it’s over. That I really had to stop tugging the ropes cause no one’s hanging at one end. I have to stop chasing happiness cause happiness thrives in me. I just have to choose to be happy in the first place. I will heal eventually. If happiness really depends on one person, that person would be myself.
I realized that I am still blessed though, for a broken heart means a heart that actually beats, a heart that actually feels. I loved Shan so much, I had to say I love her again. Even if I already said goodbye.
But Shan, if somehow this novel reached you… how? I don’t know. But please, please, please. Tell me. I assure you that I won’t do anything foolish. I just want to send you something, something only you should know. You know who wrote this. This is our story. How could you not tell it if every bit of this story shows every bit of you, but your name
To my readers, thankyou. I know most of the time you thought this was for personal consumption. But no, this is more than a novel. It’s an experience. It’s real. And it will happen to you. She or he is just waiting around the corner. Tell you what, try to cock your head to one side, maybe you’ll eventually see her. You’ll get there!
Learning forward and backwards,
Joyce //
