The last time I tried to remember what we are fighting about and the reason why we felt like we’re miles apart, I failed.
It was during this period when we are like two ships sailing in opposite directions, not because we navigated there ourselves, but because the wind blew our sails that way. Maybe, relationships need a break, even if you two are not officially together.
It’s like cooling off, when the heat isn’t even enough to ignite a flame. Before I knew it, the distance and the time took their toll on us. I live my student life with Ms. Very Mad Shay giving me directions to do this and that, and I also fight my way through my course- with quizzes and experiments in between. For a moment, I had to stop looking at the sky and asking her why and how, and instead focus on the problems in front of me. My everyday is basically running from one building to another, from one floor to another, from one person to another. It is tiring.
Then one evening, I decided to reach out to her. But it’s like reaching out to a deaf. She didn’t understand me, and that cost us another mile away.
It was on that night, for the first time, that I said, “Okay, fine. Whatever. You’re on your own. Why do I have to be the one who has to adjust everytime.”
But I know that, within my deepest being, that was a lie. A lie I had to make cause the truth hurts
- That I’m the only one who adjusts.
*************
Today is Tuesday and it’s too diverse to generalize. Ma’am Bamb has chosen some students in the class to attend this symposium which was about thesis and stuffs and I was one of them. Actually I came because it’s a VIP pass. Not anyone could attend this event.
The sun was a ripe yellow citrus in the sky. The grass is greener than my mind. And my happy feet are stomping to the La Da Dee beat. The guards are not sitting on white monoblock chairs with newspapers in their hands. They are now standing. What a progress!
The event Mr. and Ms. USA (University of San Agustin), which I was supervising, is coming to an end, and our department, College of Pharmacy and MedTech (CPMT), is emerging as a winning department. The school converts its benches and long tables to fun booths and food stalls. Long colourful banderitas hang up to the sky so that when you look down at the pavement, the colors red and orange dances with the wind. It was a beautiful day, and it’ll be an amazing University Week. I followed the trail of festive music in the air as I make my way to the President’s conference room where the symposium will be held.
Nestled in the wing of the administration building, the whole corridor is filled with our senior pharma students in their white coats. I always love to look at them. It’s like an instant inspiration that I could also make it through third year.
“Hey, third year. Come. The signing up starts here,” the lady in braces called out.
“Hello, nang (name that use we call our older sister)! Is it already starting?”
“Yes. But you’re just in time,” she smiles back. Why are fourth years not as stressed as I am?
I entered the too-brightly-lit room which was brimming with students. Thankfully, a vacant red cushioned corporate chair beside my classmate was near the door so I was basically saved from near humiliation. (which is a bit exaggerated cause I was on time). I watched how the seniors discussed and defended their thesis and most of the time I am reminded that I am going to undergo the same thing. My stomach churns as acid builds up.
“Okay, goodmorning, ladies and gentlemen,” a familiar voice in the front says. Her voice is crystal clear against the mic.
It’s Bry.
And she’s like my, two-year crush! Every day of my student life, I would walk down the hallway of Mendel building hoping we could bump into each other and here she is! In front of me! Well, of us. But still, she’s here. I release an evil laugh as I draw my phone from my pocket.
Hahaha! It’s photoshoot time!!!! The little voice and I happily cheered within ourselves.
“Ric?” I glanced at my seatmate. “Could you please take a picture of Bry? Pretty pleaseeeeee…”
I promise, I had to sound as natural as I could, and to give the most acceptable alibi so that Ric would finally go for it.
Well, you know what, I’m proud to say that Bry emerged as the best presenter and their thesis, the best thesis. Imagine my face. As if it was my thesis. I was just so proud! *clears throat*
“Congrats,” I told her in the most formal way possible while she passed by my side.
“Oh, thanks!” Her smile was like that ripe citrus in the sky. Oh my god, did she just? *insert happy dance here*
*******
Well, unfortunately, I had to stick with Shay in the whole afternoon. Good thing she’s happy right now. She orders me to cut the attendance stubs while she was busy crouching on the floor like some 7yr old kid hand-painting on her dad’s files. My master of alibi personality was summoned after a while.
“Hey, I had to go. I have, uhmm..a meeting.”
“What? But you just-“
“Bye!” I hurried off outside the building and by surprise, Bry was on her way…towards my direction!
Of course, normal response would be head-down-and-pretend-you-did-not-see-her, but when I lifted my head again. There she was, in front of me, saying my name and hi at the same time. And I’m like, WHAT THE HECK SHE KNOWS MY NAME. SHE FUCKING KNOWS MY NAME.
Well, February then finished off with our U-week highlighting the most of it. Events like The Best Dance Crew, TGIF runway, Mr. and Ms. USA, Pub SanAg Awards and more of those things- they made my February bombastic.
Although at the end of the day, all I could think of is if Shan’s also having a bombastic month. It sucks cause happiness would always sum up to Shan.
I guess, I had to stop relating happiness with her. Because I start being unhappy if I do that.
It hurts that I can’t be happy without her being happy. And that I couldn’t make her happy.
For a moment, we are like an open wound that never heals, just keeps getting worse.
