Surrender

Chapter Twenty Five

CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

When I wake up the sky is still gray and there’s a thick, dense fog hanging in the air. It’s the perfect kind of summer rain and the air smells like wet pavement. Louis got up to open the window a little while ago and now a gentle breeze is floating through the room. The sheet is laying across my waist, exposing my chest and torso, and Louis’ long fingers are drawing intricate patterns on my stomach. I’m so unbelievably comfortable I could melt right through the mattress.

“You kissed a stranger?” He asks, the tone of his voice hinting to me that he’s smiling. I turn my face the side and open my eyes.

“No, we got to know each other first, what do you think I am, some kind of animal?” I say, wrinkling my nose at him. He raises his eyebrows, a huge grin on his face.

“Well after yesterday afternoon, last night, and this morning, I’d have to say…yes.” He squeezes my side and I squirm, letting out a laugh as he tickles me. I slap his hand and shove against his chest, the laugh lines at the corners of his mouth showing. He resumes his position next to me and continues his art project on my skin.

“Are you sure you aren’t mad? You could be lying to me like I lied to you and holding all of your anger and jealousy inside.” I say quickly. He chuckles, leaning down to kiss me just above my belly button.

“I’m not mad.” He says, tracing my belly button with the tip of his tongue. I hold my breath and let it out slowly, chills running up my spine.

“Because obviously it didn’t mean anything, it wasn’t even a good kiss, I was comparing him to you the entire time.” I blurt out. I have no filter when I’m with him, everything inside of my head just comes tumbling out of my mouth. He leans onto his forearm and its up, his palm pressed into my stomach, a smug look on his face.

“You were thinking about me?” He says in a flattered tone, a hint of satisfaction dancing on his tongue.

“I was mad at you, it’s safe to say your face was running through my mind.” I say, closing my eyes again. It’s quiet between us for a few minutes, the sound of rain filling the room.

“Rae?” He asks me suddenly.

“Mmm?” I mumble back.

“Do you miss Aaron?” His voice is quiet and cautious, a little hesitant. The sound of his name makes my chest ache and a lump form in the back of my throat. I roll onto my side and prop myself up on my elbow. He’s watching me carefully, ready to catch me if I fall.

“Yes.” I say slowly, forming the word on my tongue before saying it. “It happened so fast I’m still having trouble processing it. I know it happened, I saw it happen, but I can’t feel that it happened.” He nods, telling me that he’s trying to understand. “I haven’t cried since yesterday morning. I’ve tried to, but I can’t. I think…I think there’s something wrong with me.” I confess, feeling like a crazy person.

The look on his face is tender and thoughtful. “There is nothing wrong with you.” He says, tucking my hair behind my ear.

“Maybe there is, maybe I’m losing my mind, maybe…I’m crazy.” I force the words out with too much of an edge and I bite my lip as he furrows his brow, his eyes searching mine.

“Rae you are not crazy. If this is how you grieve, then let yourself grieve.” He says firmly, his hand resting on my neck, his fingers digging into my skin. I nod, but I’m unsure if what I’m not feeling is how I grieve. I don’t think I’ve even begun to grieve. They died and I didn’t give myself time to feel them leave my life, I just buried myself in loving Louis and I can’t let myself go backwards, I just have to push forward.