It's Not Perfect, It's Love - Prinxiety

How Much Longer

Italics = flashback
Don't play the song yet, also Im still accepting questions for the QnA, which will be the next update.

~Virgil's POV~

It's been about four days since Thomas and I made up. I'm sitting in my room right now. Not much has happened today and I'm pretty bored.

As I sit in my room trying to think of something to do, my guitar catches my eye. I haven't played it in a while...

I pick it up and tune it, twisting the pegs until they are just right. I pick it up and prepare to play but stop before I can strum a chord.

What if someone hears me?

I set the guitar aside and walk over to my door. I peak out to make sure there's nobody near by. The coast looks clear. Just to be sure, I lock the door anyways. That way, if somebody hears and tries to come in I can hide my guitar and say that I was watching a YouTube video or something.

I know the others are trying to get closer to me and I appreciate it. It's nice to know that they care but this is one thing I'd rather keep to myself. Playing my guitar has always been my escape. Even back when they saw me as the villain, playing music made everything better. I could just shut the world out, I don't need it. In those moments, all I need is a melody to get lost in and suddenly all the bad stuff going on in my life is forgotten.

I carefully pick up my guitar and strum a few random chords. I continue to strum experimentally as I try to figure out what song to play. Suddenly I remember one from a musical that Princey showed me. I strum a bit as I begin the song.

(Play song)

"I've learned to slam on the breaks
Before I've even turned the key
Before I make the mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me"

"Hey guys! Let's redecorate the mindspace!" Roman suggests as we sit at breakfast. I'll admit, the place has been decorated this way since I've arrived here and could use a little change up... But then again, I'm used to the way it is now. The way it is now is comfortable. Change isn't always good, what if it doesn't turn out like we'd hoped, or if somebody doesn't like the new decorations, or-

"Aww! That sounds nice!" Patton agreed.

"A change in scenery has been shown to improve productivity and creative output." Logan adds.

I want to point out the negative effects of this but stop myself. What if they get mad at me for putting them down? What if they hate me for not agreeing? No, the better option for me is to stay quiet. I'll just have to deal with being uncomfortable.

"Give them no reason to stare
No slipping up if you slip away
So I've got nothing to share
No I've got nothing to say"

Knock Knock

"Hey kiddo, Logan, Roman, Thomas, and I are gonna hang out in a bit if you'd like to join us. We're probably gonna order pizza and rent a movie and we might end up playing some games!" Patton says from the other side of my door.

They're inviting me to hang out with them? Should I go? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I act weird? What if I make them hate me? What if I mess everything up and they never wanna hang out with me again?

"Kiddo?"

"I... I'll think about it."

"Step out, step out of the sun if you keep getting burned
Step out, step out of the sun because you've learned
Because you've learned"

I've been hanging around the others less and less often. I can't stand the dirty looks they shoot me. The way they stare at me whenever I show up, waiting for me to fuck up. The way they tense up whenever I'm near Thomas. The way they blame me whenever something goes wrong. I can't take it anymore...

"On the outside always looking in will I,
Ever be more than I've always been
Cause I'm tap tap tapping on the glass
I'm waving through a window"

I sit alone in Thomas's mind. The others are out in the real world hanging out with each other. I sit in the commons, watching on screen, as they play games and make jokes with each other. Something I'll never be a part of...

"I try to speak but nobody can hear so I,
Wait around for an answer to appear
While I'm watch watch watching people pass
I'm waving through a window"

Alone.

That's all I am and all I ever will be. I don't deserve anything more. They wouldn't give me more anyways, even if I asked. So now I sit, huddled in the darkest corner of my room, suffering through yet another panic attack all by myself. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

"If anyone can hear me," I mumble between sobs, "please help, I can't do this anymore. I give up."

But nobody came...

I stop singing there. Why is that song so damn relatable? I sigh and pull myself off the bed, putting my guitar back in it's hiding place. That song has brought up a lot of memories. It's got me thinking a lot too...

Why do the others waste their time with me? Do I bother them too much. How much longer until they realize this themselves? How much longer until they get sick of me? How much longer are they gonna keep up the act? How much longer until I'm alone again? How much longer are they going to keel getting me attached? How much longer are they going to get my hopes up? How much longer until they tear those hopes down? How much longer will it take me to piece myself back together when that happens?

How much longer can I go on like this?