The Slash Stories

Trans Ben (Baby Daddy) (MtF)

Have you ever felt like something was wrong? Had this feeling that just wouldn't go away? No matter how much you've tried to push it down, or forget about it? Every look in the mirror you see the opposite of what you want to see. Every time you're in the shower, you feel hopelessness surging through your heart when you see a body that looks so wrong. Every trip to the bathroom, fills you with relief for having gone to the bathroom, and sometimes there was the disappointment of what your body looked like.

You smile and laugh with your friends and family. You create a mask. You go out with girl after girl. The sex is great, and so are the kisses, but there's always something missing. There's always that feeling that won't go away.

That's how Ben felt. She'd thought the feeling would go away. She thought that maybe it would disappear as life moved on, but it didn't. And now she had a daughter. Emma meant the world to her, and coming out now wouldn't be the best thing to do. She could wait until Emma was older. Until her little girl was old enough to understand things like this. It wasn't like she hadn't researched this.

She'd found tips on how to feel even slightly more comfortable in her body while not telling anyone. She'd look in a mirror, and point out anything that was positive about how she looked. She'd cuddle with Emma when dysphoria (a term that she had researched once) hit her hard. She also did not so great things, like have sex with other women . . . lots of other women. And that made her feel worse, but she always got to hold Emma after, so it was okay sometimes.

Life decided to take a different turn. Life decided that she had to have enough to drink one night, that she actually broke down in front of Tucker.

The bar that she owned with Danny had lost it's manager, and they had convinced some of the staff to quit. She had been working for four days straight to send out "Help Wanted" signs, and interviewing waiters (or waitresses) and hopefully she would be adding a new bartender to the staff. She had spent the past few nights with Emma, and once the young girl had been put to sleep, she was at the table looking over more paperwork. Two of the four nights, she'd been more exhausted and had woken up to Tucker singing as he went to make breakfast in the kitchen.

Let's just say that the whole ordeal had resulted in Tucker telling her that they were going out to a bar. She had agreed because it was her usual scene, and she really did need to get out. Danny and Riley would probably be fine with watching Emma, she loved her new cousin after all.

"This is going to be the best night of the month, man." That was a stab to the heart.

"Danny is going to be so jealous of us, bro!" She would take hit after hit.

"Dude - Slow down. You've still got to be semi sober when we get back to the apartment." And the cannons kept on firing.

"Ben . . . are you okay?" Tucker finally asked. She shook her head, eyes closed tight. "What is it, man?" Stop it . . .

And she broke down. She started sobbing at a bar in the middle of a pack of wild animals. They ran past her as she sat there defenseless. She could feel how they were judging her, and how uncomfortable Tucker probably was. She could feel how her clothes looked too male. She could feel how defined her jaw line was with the hand that was on her face. She could feel how much of a he, she was . . . is. It only made her sob harder.

"Emma-" She managed to say in between sobs.

She felt Tucker lay a caring hand on her shoulder as he convinced her to get up. He ended up rubbing her back as they walked back to the apartment. Tucker told her that everything would be okay. No matter what had happened. He offered to go and get Emma from her brother, while she cleaned up, and put pajamas on.