The Internship

Chapter 19 - opening up

"You don't understand!" I yelled my hands gripping at the chair. I wanted to smack that smile right off her face. She didn't know me. She didn't know anything about me.
"Alex, honey, I know your going through a rough time but you need to explain to me how your feeling. Words are better than actions." The therapist said as she sat cross legged at her chair, and notebook in her lap just waiting for me to say anything.
"I'm leaving." I muttered a frown on my face.
My hand turned the knob of her door,
"That's now two and a half weeks you've been out of work. I'm not giving you the doctors note until you at least speak." She behind me. Lilian was her name. She was thirty five and had strawberry blonde hair. She was attractive and had potential but smiled way too much.
I was only supposed to be gone for seven days, visit this bitch and go back to work. it's been 18 days.
I groaned and turned back around. Facing her with all my dignity out the door days and days ago.
"Just say anything. I'm not allowed to tell anyone anything you say- unless of course you have thoughts of hurting yourself or someone."
"I don't have anxiety. And I don't get panic attacks. Everything I said to that man was a lie. I'm a completely normal person. I'll just need that doctors note so I can get out of your hair."
"You tried that the second day you came here." Her eyebrow was raised.
"And really. You wouldn't keep coming back this many times if there wasn't something that was bothering you."
"Tell me about the panic attacks-"
"I don't get them." I cut her off my cheeks turning pink.
"Fine then tell me about what happened in the elevator. You can tell me the truth- I won't tell anyone."
"There's nothing to tell." I said stubbornly my hand twisted the knob again ready to leave and never come back.
"What if I tell you I can make it go away. The panic- everything."
I stopped my body froze. I glanced back at her.
"You can?"
She nodded.
"Just please tell me what your feeling or I can't help you. Just walk me through what happens when you get a panic attack."
I stared at her, trying to build up my confidence to even stutter a word.
"How about you sit down first."
I nodded and sat down back in the chair I was once before.
"Okay I'm ready."
I wiped my hands on my jeans feeling as though I could throw up.
"I-I-I don't know." I muttered out feeling like a complete fool. My cheeks burned. I stood up ready to leave yet again. Until her hand grabbed mine.
"Use describing words."
"What?"
"To explain it. Just describe how you feel."
"Confused. Um.. difficult. Hurt. Sad. S-scared." I said quietly. Jesus Christ I'm such a baby.
"It feels like everything is falling apart. Like the world just ended even when there's barely anything happening." She must think your a fucking idiot.
"I always feel like I'm going to die in the end. Run out of air. B-because during I can barely breathe."
I turned away trying to blink away the tears- I didn't want her to think I couldn't handle it.
Every time it happens I remember the moment I changed.
It was many summers ago when my brother, Johnny Harrison died.
It was a week before his birthday. Johnny was 16 and was the family favourite. He and I looked nothing alike. He was two years younger than me and I still to this day wish it was the other way around. He had blinding blonde hair and the brightest blue eyes. Ones you could see your reflection in. And a whole lotta freckles. I think that helped him in winning over my mother's heart. Johnny was always nice and caring to them, studied every night and he had the nicest girlfriend a guy could ask for. Though they never even kissed. He was perfect in their eyes- and in everyone else's and I hated him for it. Dad took him out every weekend to go fishing. They'd leave for the whole weekend and come back with the biggest grins and amazing stories. I asked once to come with them when I was 12, my dad told me I wouldn't like it, He said I should practice my spiral in the park with my buddies instead. I asked again at 14, same response. I guess thats when I realized. I was the odd man out. So I hated Johnny, with every part of me I despised him. I hated the boy so much I punished him for it. My friends and I would gang up on him at school, beat him up in the courtyard every now and then. He choked on a lot of toilet water in his day. I'd   play little pranks on him constantly at home. Kick him under the kitchen table during family suppers, daring him to say something to our parents. He never did. I craved the attention he got from them. All I wanted was them. I wasn't that smart but I pushed through it. I even became the quarterback for my dad so he'd play catch with me. He never did.
So I got angrier and angrier. Until one day, the anger had no where to go.
"M-my heart starts racing. I can't th-think straight. T-then I s-start to stutter."
"That's very common." Lilian smiled.
"M-my hands shake-And I can breathe, or think." I breathed quickly realizing what was happening and bolted out of there.
I ran down the stairs skipping two, three, at a time and jerked my car door open sliding in and sobbing. I sucked in deep breaths my hands gripping the steering wheel to stop them from shaking so bad.
Maybe this is the one that kills me. My chest hurts so bad maybe I'm having a heart attack! I gripped the steering wheel. It felt like it lasted years.
I sighed and leaned back in my seat. I stared at the water droplets on my window feeling as if I was hallucinating. I'm fine.
.
Three days later I realized with agony Lilian was a liar. She really couldn't make it go away. I spilled everything to her and all the handed me was a bottle of SSRI antidepressants . It was medicine . Something I knew I didn't need.
I furrowed my brows as I walked back into work. My one week suspension had turned to three. I was nervous to say the least.
"Hello boss." A familiar voice said from behind me.
I knew it was her. My heart felt like it had leapt out of my chest. I missed her. I know pathetic. But I did.
I turned around to see her standing there stunning. A nervous smile crept onto her face.
"It's great to have you back." She grinned.
"Thank you, Mrs. Grant." Was all I could mumbled out. She seemed a bit taken aback by the use of her last name.
She sighed and grabbed my hand, pulling me into the stairwell.
"Who was that lady you were with when you bumped into me at the cafe?" Her finger dug into my chest.
"Who's Mark?" I shot back quickly. I had waited forever to ask that.
Her eyes widened once she realized I did in fact see her phone that day.
"N-nobody." She mumbled staring up at me with hesitation before leaving out through the way we went.
I groaned and rubbed my face.
Great idiot you scared her off. I sighed and walked up the stairs. I shouldn't have even said anything. But all I could picture was this Mark guy hurting her.
I'd kill whoever gave her that pain in an instant without a second thought.
I walked numbly up the stairs and to my office. It was 8 am and I was already considering opening that rum in my drawer.
Alcohol to me- was like my remedy. For the anxiety, for the panic. I could get away. I could be calm and relaxed.
I sat down at my desk to quickly be interrupted by a knock.
"Come in." I said loudly, hoping it was Amanda. To my dissatisfaction it wasn't. Mr. Brown walked in quickly looking glad to see me.
"Now you've been gone for three weeks and everything is a disaster. I'm relieved your here to fix it all."
"Cmon Brown, how much could have gone wrong."
He stared at me as if I was an idiot.
"I'm guessing you did not take your computer home with you or check your work emails for the last twenty one days."
I opened my computer and to my horror that waited 1,253 unread emails.
"Your kidding me." I glared at him.
"Nope." The fat man said as he left my office.
That's when I reached for the rum. Taking a swig straight. It burned down my throat.
There was one thing I could do. Interns.
.