Laminated Emotions

Unsent letters #1

Some days I sit by the window and try to go over every little detail of that year. I start out with the month, the day, the date, harmless stuff like that, and then i move on to to the time and the place and... stop. 

Because on some days I spend my mornings passed out in somebody's house, on somebody's floor, mascara and tears and all, and I remember everything- the time, the date, the day, what i was wearing and what you smelled like, citrus and pine. And I'll try and shut it out. She had said writing would help, maybe scribbling when my emotions bordered on 'violent'. But we were always violent. The way we loved was violent, the way we lived was violent. Maybe we were the violence. And maybe that's why I remember you when I'm at my lowest. 

I think some part of you wanted us to end like that. Flames and ice and tears. You always did say we were 'too much', and I never really understood what you were saying, but now i do, and I'm not sure of whether that's a good thing or the worst thing to possibly happen. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you for leaving me, because without that I never would've found myself in strange cities with strange people with fears that I now don't need you to cure.

I'm still learning the different ways to love someone; detached, warm, insane but holding them close all through it like you had taught me. 

Maybe we were the violence, but on sunny winter mornings like these, I realize we were also the calm.

Only the most violent love,

S.

bruisedflames

_________________________________________________________________________

I'm so so grateful for all the love this book has been getting, and I love you all so much and really really value your support. Just wanted to say a massive thank you and tons of love to everyone, you're absolutely precious!