Meredith's Thoughts

Lets get things straight again.

Uuuggghhhhhhhh people you are so confusing.
I don't know how I'm feeling but I know something doesn't feel right. Like, I'm happy for the most part but somethings off. I'm laughing I'm smiling, I'm making jokes, I'm talking to people, I have more self confidence then I've ever had, but then you know, science concept check gets passed out and I have no ducking clue what I'm doing. And I mean, I'm not making excuses but science is boring because physics are just uck. I don't know. I think maybe it just makes me mad that I'm genuinely happy but almost nobody recognizes that, all they care about is me being the same person I've always been. It's frustrating, cause I'm having a good time for once but it's like everyone is disappointed in me in some way, like I'm not enough.
For so long people told me I was pretty smart and a nice person and now that things got harder I have no idea how to study or to have to take notes or whatever. I don't know if I just don't care anymore or if I'm just slowly realizing I'm actually average.
Speaking of being average and never being enough, society sucks. It had totally destroyed my self confidence ever since first grade, no joke. I mean like by first grade I was already labeling people as stereotypes and it's horrible. It's taking me a long time to build back the self confidence people keep destroying over and over again. Because first I'm pretty, then I'm not, then people treat me different, then I am, people treat me different, then I complain about not being good enough and everybody gets annoyed. Like am I not allowed to have my own opinions about my own body? What the hell? So there's always going to be someone better at something and then people are going to tell me that I have to then become that. I'll always have to be trying to beat the next person who's deemed better. And this is totally stupid to say but, when people post some picture of them all perfect and having fun or with their friends or they have more likes but are followed by the same people that follow me or have a larger snapscore or whatever, it makes me feel so so so horrible. Like I feel like I'm so fucking average, maybe not even. But guess what, Im not allowed to say that or think that. Because then people call me a bitch and tell me I'm not allowed to complain. Which then makes me feel even worse. Whatever. Ughk.
And also like, I don't know if I like Aidan. I mean it's weird. I like him in the sense where I like talking to him and being around him and I'm comfortable around him and he's just a fun person to be with..... for the most part. But I don't like him in the same way I liked Jack and Gabe and Travis and Carson and Kelvin. I don't know what separates him from them, them from him. I honest to god don't understand how I'm feeling about him. At this point I can't tell you if I do or if I don't like Aidan. I don't know. I just don't.
Then we all know that deep down there's always going to be them. The person or people you'll always have some feelings towards. But you just tuck them away and it's fine really. Maybe in time they'll get old and disintegrate. Both literally and figuratively. I seem to stay attached to those couple people that we talked about. Hopefully the person I'm talking about about talking about knows what I'm talking about. Wow that sentence okay then.
Back to the part where I said that I don't like Aidan the same way I did others. It's like, usually when I thought about the person I liked I'd get all happy and think about them or whatever and I'd stutter when I tried to talk and my palms would get sweaty. But with Aidan? There's none of that. If I'm being honest, the tapping was only real for a couple days, then I faked it. I wasn't nervous. And when I wasn't nervous and I wasn't feeling the same towards him as I had to people I've like prior, I didn't know what to do. I'm so utterly confused. So utterly average. So utterly misunderstood. So utterly sick of these social rules.