things i can't (l.s)

Chapter 6

I walked into the bathroom and stripped. I turned the water on, letting the room get steamy. I looked in the mirror and wanted to throw up. How could I have let myself go this bad? God, the fat on my stomach was enough to make me queasy. I looked at my legs and wished I could cut the fat off. I let my gaze go to my arms and the only thing that gave me pleasure was seeing the crimson liquid dripping from it and onto the tile floor. I looked at my face and saw that the green in my eyes had faded into a dull greyish colour. I looked so broken- I was. I decided I couldn't look at myself any longer otherwise I'd just go and get the blade again. So, I stepped into the shower and felt the warmth of the water pull me into a delicate hug and ease the tension built up within my muscles. Most nights, I feel much too tired to even stand in the shower. I eased myself onto the shower floor and let the water fall onto me. The ringlets in my hair went straight and I reached for my fringe with my hands to pull it out of my face. I didn't even know it, but I was crying. I let my head fall back and my face tense up as the salty emotion poured out of my eyes.

This- this was a daily thing. I go to school, I get harassed, I come home- I cut, burn, punch, whatever I need. I come into the bathroom, look at myself, degrade my body in my head, and then I get in the shower. And I cry. I cry until I feel as though there aren't any more tears left in me. (There always are) and then I pick at my dinner, trying to make some excuse as to why I've only had two bites, and go to bed.

I stepped out of the shower and pulled my pj sweater on after bandaging up the cuts so they wouldn't leak, and slid into my boxers.

The next thing on my list- going down to dinner. Thankfully, my mom wouldn't be home so she left me cash to get pizza. It sounds a little wrong, but I take the $20 she gives me every Friday and that's how I pay for my cigarette habit. If she goes out two nights in a row, it's a bonus because I'll use that to buy some sort of mind-altering substance to finally feel something.

I go downstairs to find my mum straightening out her hair and picking at her made-up face. I stand in the kitchen, waiting for her to bid me goodbye and once she's finally done wiping the excess lipstick off, she comes over to me and grabs my face and kisses me on the cheek.

"You know I love you, baby, right? Be good tonight, I left money for food on the table. I'll be home by midnight. Love you!"

"Love you, mum."

And she was gone.

I decided it would be a good idea to go and wait in my room for awhile for her to leave before I made my weekly Friday night expedition to the convenient store to buy my cigarettes.

~

After a couple minutes had passed, I put on some pants over my boxers and then went back downstairs. I grabbed the money, stepped into the cold spring night, and hopped back on to my bike. The ride down to the convenient store wasn't bad, it was only about half a mile from my house. Once there, I walked into the store and saw the shelves lined with candy and chips and God, I wanted all of it but I stuck to my guns and walked straight to the counter.

"Just the regular, Ang."

Angela smiled and handed me a pack of Prime Times- they tasted like candy and that's why I liked them so much. I could taste something nice without actually eating something filled with calories and sugar. I paid the (fucking expensive) price, said goodnight to Ang, and hopped back onto my bike- lighting the cancer stick while trying to get situated on the seat. I started to feel wobbly and dizzy, but I brushed it off. All of a sudden, I hear a, "Harry?" I turn around, startled but relax slightly as soon as I see the blue-eyed beauty from school.

Louis.

"H-hey, u-uh what are you d-doing here?" I felt anxious having Louis see me outside of school for some reason.

But then I remembered. Zayn said that Louis was his friend. Fuck Zayn and fuck all of his friends.

Fuck Louis.

Before he could even answer my previous question, I flicked my cigarette in front of his feet and sped away as fast as I could.

~

Louis' POV:

What just happened? First, Harry was nervously asking me a question and stuttering like crazy, and the next he flicked his cigarette towards me and speeds away? What did I do? There must have been something. I'll make it a point to ask him tomorrow.

I just want him to like me.