Save Me (Halren)

26

Halsey's POV
Lauren knows, doesn't she? I'm screwed because now that she knows, she's going to hate me then she'll tell the girls and they'll kick me off tour. Also, I'll lose the only girl I've ever loved this much, that I want to be with for the rest of my life. I walked out into the front room after I had almost revealed everything to Lauren then sat down on the couch beside Ally. She notices me and gives me a soft smile.

"Hey, finally up?" She asks and I nod. Then Normani comes into the room right after I sit down.

"I still can't find Dinah. She's not answering any of my calls or texts." She says worriedly. Ally shrugs, her eyebrows furrowed.

"That's strange. I'm sure she'll show up eventually. We're going shopping today so if you text her that, she might come back." She suggests, then going back to scrolling on her phone. I just sit here, nodding and agreeing with her because I was still thinking about what happened less then ten minutes ago. Normani walks away, satisfied with the suggestion she got and I continue to sit and think. I wonder if she knew about my eating disorder already. It seemed like it this morning when she thought I was asleep then placed her hand on my stomach. Then again, I'm fat so she probably didn't think much of it. She wouldn't know.

"Ashley? What's on your mind?" Ally asks me. I sink back into my seat and shrug my shoulders. She knows about my eating disorder, or at least that I don't like to eat because I think I'm fat. Which I am, I'm overweight, and not what the people say I should be. I don't know what to tell her because I don't think she knows how intense I'm making up, or how intense it has become on it's own. It's almost like I've lost control of it but it's okay because I think it might be working. That's a very small might though.

"A lot, to be honest." I admit to her. She gives me a sad smile then engulfs me in a hug.

"It's just one of those meh days isn't it?" She asks and I nod against her shoulder. I feel like crying about how my life has turned upside down so quickly and how it's not even worth living anymore. I don't want to have to deal with this pain everyday. I wish I could feel happiness, I really do. But if that's not gonna come to me then it's pointless. What am I even doing here anymore?

"I don't want this feeling anymore." I mumble as we pull away from the hug. I honestly would've stayed in that hug for as long as I could but I didn't want to bother Ally too much. She has a life to live. She doesn't need to love me.

"What feeling?" She asks. I sigh and just decide to answer the question instead of avoid it.

"Pain and the feeling of loneliness. I feel lonely even though I have you and Lauren, and the girls around me all the time. So really, I don't know." I explain right before Lauren comes out from the back of the bus. She glances at me then quickly turns away, and that's when I make up my mind that I just want to be held by her. I don't want this lonely feeling anymore. I want to feel like I'm loved, like I matter even though I don't.

"Wait, Lauren! Hold the fuck up." I say, standing up from my seat on the couch. I take few steps towards her as she turns around with a concerned and confused expression plastered across her face.

"What? Why? What's wrong?" She questions.

"Hold the fuck up." I say.

She just stands there confused for a good ten seconds before I speak again, another sigh escaping my lips.

"The fuck up, that's me. Hold the fuck up." I say. "Please?" My bottom lip starts to quiver and I know I'm about to cry. I don't even know why I still feel, I shouldn't. It would also be a lot nicer, wouldn't it. I don't want to feel like I'm going to cry all the time. It's tiring and I hate seeing Lauren get so anxious when I just start to randomly cry out of nowhere so this time, I try my best to hold back tears.

"Come here baby." Lauren says with open arms. I go over to her and fall right into her embrace. "You are not in any way a fuck up."

She's lying

"You are perfect, and if people can't see that, then they aren't deserving of your love. Anybody who can't see your charm, your passion, how you care for others and put people before yourself then those people are idiots, Okay?"

No, don't believe her

"Ashley, you're amazing just the way you are. I love you so much." Lauren finally finishes. I've realized something new in the past few days. They're voices in my head and they are so irritating to me. I just want them to stop but I don't know how.

"I love you too, Lauren." I say, burying my face in the crook of her neck. This time, I push past he voices but I know that won't work for next time.

"Hey guys..." Ally comes up behind us and taps Lauren on the shoulder.

She probably thinks your too fragile, as if!

See what I mean? How much longer shall I got with those bastards yelling at me in my head.

"We would have to go now if we want to have time before the mall closes but if you guys just want to stay here, that's okay. Do whatever you need. Normani, Dinah, and I could even stay back if you want." Ally spoke but Lauren and I both shake our heads.

"No, you guys go and have some fun. It's okay if we're here. Lauren, even you go." I insist. I don't want my girlfriend to feel like she's entitled to take care off me 24/7. I know I'm needy. "I'll be fine here on my own." I add on to my statement prior to this one just a few moments later. I lift my head to look up at my green eyed beauty but she shakes her head, and no, my small smile did not just drop if that's what you were thinking. I'm happy she's staying with me because then I really won't be able to do anything stupid.

I'm sure those voices would love to convince me to do something like that.

"No, Ally you guys go, alright?" Lauren says, then turns her gaze back to me, hazel eyes meeting green. "I'm not leaving my babygirl all alone, never." I smile through the pain a little bit when she uses that nickname, I love it.

Lauren will leave you eventually, you know that

Dammit.

As Ally walks away to the other side of the bus, I look up at the raven haired girl and tug on her shirt. "Lauren?"

Almost immediately, she knows what I want and engulfs me in another hug, even tighter this time. She strokes my hair with her right hand, then rubbing my back as well, comforting me. We stand there in the hug for at least a half hour, it was probably longer than that when she finally pulls away.

"What's going on? You can tell me, Ash. I won't ever judge or reveal anything to anybody else if you just want it between us, I promise." She says, so I decide that now's the time. She should know, she deserves to know what's been going on with me and why I'm such a wreck lately.

So with that, in just a few more counts my biggest secret will be out there to her.

But I know I can trust Lauren.

I know I can... Right?

You can't trust a single soul, Ashley