Save Me (Halren)

27

Halsey's POV
I look into her eyes and see her staring straight back at me. She's expecting an answer, I know it. I try to open my mouth but I can't get anything out. It's the weirdest feeling. The voices just keep on telling me lies about what will happen when I tell Lauren. It's like they're the right ones in this situation and I'm the one lying to myself right now.

Lauren is going to leave you, ya know. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone this messed up

"She would... And I'm... Not messed up?" I say under my breath in a whisper as I try to convince myself the opposite of what the voices tell me. It's harder than it looks, that's for sure.

You're wrong, stop lying to yourself Ashley

"Shut up." I whisper harshly only to have Lauren giving me a strange look.

She's going to dump me then I'll lose everything and everyone will hate me even more than they already do. I'll get a grammy for world's worst artist - if that even exists. It should for my sake.

"Ashley? What's going on, tell me." I hear Lauren encourage me quietly. Her voice is so soft and kind with just the perfect rasp to it. It's a voice you could fall in love with in seconds. I want to tell her, so badly, I know I need to but they won't let me.

Your little sob story would be a waste of time and you're already a pain...

Worthless,
Stupid,
Disgusting,
Fat,

I wasn't having it. In no way were these voices going to tell me what to do.

"Ashely baby, I-" I hadn't even notice Lauren was trying to get my attention again when I finally scream,

"SHUT UP!" I cover my ears but soon realized what I just did. I slowly look up as the whole room went silent, or should I say the whole bus. Normani and Ally seemed to have never left and are now standing behind Lauren who is just frozen in place. I'm pretty sure I can see tears forming in her eyes. Well what a bitch am I? Why did I do that? Now she thinks I was screaming at her to shut up when really, I was aiming towards the voices. I would never say something like that to her, ever.

But I can't tell her that. I would have to explain everything and I feel like the first word I'm gonna say, I'll completely break down. Ally already knows half the secret, the same half that my girlfriend probably knows now. I'm screwed, seriously. There's nothing I can do, I'm going to lose the thing that means most to me in life, the person who means most to me. Lauren will most likely be disgusted by me, and even if she tries to look past that and stay with me, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I would be hurting her with my own problems; those problems should only hurt me, not the people around me.

I am so so sorry. I didn't mean it towards you Lauren, or any of you. I was yelling at the voices in my head, not you. I would never hurt you baby.

That's what I want to say but as I'm trying to open my mouth, I'm only being choked by silent sobs. No, I'm actually choking on air. I don't know what to do. My hands find their way to my chest and I just hold them there as I'm trying to get something to come out. Finally, I fall to the ground, letting out a sob. My breathing starts to pick up and not long after that do I realize I'm hyperventilating. I feel a hand on my shoulder but my crying makes hard to acknowledge the person. My mind is racing with thoughts. Thoughts of how I'm not good enough, how I shouldn't be here, how I cause other people pain and pretty much ruin their lives. Then out of nowhere, I feel a pair of arms wrap around me and pull me closer to them. I don't bother fighting back to be left alone, I really don't care anymore. So I turn around, and stuff my face in their chest, crying and sobbing.

"Calm down, you're okay. It's all okay." I hear a familiar voice. I'm not really thinking so I can't pin point the exact person that voice belongs to but I know it's somebody I trust, so I let it all out, trying to calm down in the process. She starts to rub my back, saying more soothing words into my ear. "Hey, it's okay Ashley. Lauren's not mad if that's what you wanna hear, okay? You'll be alright."

When I start to calm down more after a few minutes, I look up to see everyone looking at me with concerned looks. I look beside me and see I'm sitting in the lap of Camila Cabello and Dinah's standing right over top of me.

"I-I'm so s-sorry, Lauren. I-I didn't mean it, I w-was t-telling off the voices... Okay? I w-would never hurt you like that. I-I love you, so much." I say, looking at Lauren.

"I love you too, Ashley." She smiles but after a few seconds she adds on, "W-What are the voices?" She slowly walks forward as if asking for permission to sit beside me. I nod my head and climb out of Camila's embrace over to her. When she sits down, I cuddle into her and hold her tight. This might be the last time I get to hold her. After I tell her this, she'll probably leave me.

"Babygirl, talk to me. It's okay." Lauren says, running her hand through my hair. But just like before, all I can get out is,

"I-I'm scared." She looks up and kisses my forehead before speaking.

"There's no reason to be scared, Ash. Maybe you messed up, that's okay. If you think I'm going to leave because you were pressured into something or you made a mistake, you're wrong. I will never ever leave you." She tells me. I take a deep breath and nod my head as I prepare myself to reveal one of my biggest secrets.

"Y-You already know about my d-depression and my anxiety b-but... I-I've been lying to y-you." I start. When I trail off for a second, Lauren pulls me closer into her embrace as if encouraging me. So I decide to just blurt it out, and to not think about the consequences or the reactions all get. "I have an eating disorder." That's it. It's out, and to everyone on this bus.

"Really?" I hear Lauren whisper and I turn my head to look at her. I can tell she's going to cry at any moment.

"Yeah." I nod my head. "But don't think it's your fault, it's not. I thought about this way before I met you, only to act on it a couple days before I met you. It would never be your fault baby. Never." I tell her as I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me. Then the most unexpected thing happens. Everyone in the room has gathered around Lauren and I and now we're engulfed in a huge group hug. I smile slightly to myself, the first real smile in a while.