St. Ambrose Mental Health and Rehabilitation Center //// AU LiLo

Chapter 21: Visit

A month. An entire month had passed since he had arrived at St. Ambrose and Liam couldn't say if it was doing him any good at all. Sure he had made great friends in the lads, and he had a great connection with Eleanor, but the panic attacks still came and he had this nagging burn in his gut whenever he was alone and his thoughts drifted to a certain blue eyed boy.

He hated thinking about Louis, but he couldn't help it, and if he was honest with himself he loved it all the same. Things had gotten weird between the two of them, though. They hadn't spoken about what Louis had said, Liam had decided to shrug it off as a joke. Still, Louis didn't act the same around Liam anymore. He didn't hug him and hang all over him like he did with the other lads, and he always found an excuse to not be alone with Liam.

Liam was especially lamenting his presence in St. Ambrose this particular morning because he was due to meet his parents soon. It was the first day he was officially allowed a visit, having been at the center a little over a month. When Dr. Arrigo told him they were coming, though, Liam hadn't let himself believe it. He thought after his father stormed off after the football game he wouldn't see him again until he was back home. When he walked out into the lunchroom though, the boys laughing behind him, fingers intertwined with Eleanor's, sure enough there they were.

Liam had stood frozen in his tracks, suddenly terrified. He was vaguely aware of Niall, Zayn, and Harry clapping him on the back before running off to happily greet their own family. Eleanor lingered, possibly hoping for an introduction, but soon kissed him on the cheek and left. It was only him and Louis then, and though they had done a valiant job of being best mates with everyone else around, they hadn't allowed themselves a moment alone together since the night Louis came out.

"You'll be okay mate. Just catch up with your mum, yeah?" Louis encourages. Liam can hear that his voice is tight though, and he doesn't doubt the tension radiating off of Louis's body stems from the boy's memory and knowledge of William Payne Sr.'s personality and political beliefs.

Once Louis walked off to see his guests, Liam has no choice but to put his big boy pants on and face his parents. At least, Liam appreciates, this time he knew they were coming in advance.

Liam falls into easy conversation with his mother as she fusses over whether he's been eating enough and getting enough sleep. His father barely acknowledges his presence though, only making small grunts of disapproval as Liam told his mother stories of his new friends.

Liam suspects it's only a matter of time before he makes a scene, and it comes no sooner than when his mother asks who that pretty young girl was that Liam had walked in with.

"A waste of time!" Mr. Payne exclaims.

"Dad please," Liam begs, quietly

trying to get his father to lower his voice.

"I mean it William! You're here to fix whatever possessed you to go off the rails and embarrass me last summer."

People were staring now. Liam's mother put a restraining hand on her husbands arm but Liam doubts the man could feel it. He doubts the man could feel anything as the familiar claws of a panic attack begin to scratch it's way up Liam's chest. He wants to get up and get away but his body wouldn't move, he feels like he should take it as his father continues on his belligerent tirade.

"Like this place isn't bad enough, you're cavorting with hoodlums and trollops!"

Liam feels a hand on his shoulder then, and looks up to see Eleanor, her eyes glassed over with unshed tears. He remembers, then, that hes meant to defend her.

"Dad," he whispers weakly. "Please, don't talk about them like that. They're my friends, and Eleanor is great if you just gave her a chance. Just give me a chance."

His father slams his hands down on the table, because of course Liam can't control his damn voice from breaking for once in his miserable life.

"You were coddled way too much as a boy, acted like a little fairy. I would not accept that behavior then and I won't accept this now. I won't have a weak son William."

The homophobic comment sends Liam over the edge, turning his insides to ice. He's steering into the skid now, all hopes of abating the attack long gone. Liam is vaguely aware of Eleanor trying to get him back into control, he can smell her perfume, but she is just making the panic rise higher in his throat. He just wants to scream at her to stop touching him. He has a random thought that maybe he actually did because suddenly her hands are flying off him like she was burned and he's gasping for air.

Liam's vision is sliding in and out of focus now, plagued by large black dots. He's shaking, sweating, gasping for air as he chokes on his own breath. A pair of strong hands come up from behind him and lift him out of his seat. Liam begins to struggle, he doesn't want to be sedated, not in front of his parents. As he bucks his head back though, hoping to make painful contact, he catches a familiar whiff of citrus. Liam has enough of his faculties in tact to at least stop trying to hurt Louis.

Liam is still struggling for breath when Louis finally sets him down inside the empty literature classroom. His heart is still pounding abnormally fast, his eyes still squeezed shut. Liam still feels like dying.

Louis can see all that, and it breaks his heart. He leans Liam against the door, takes Liam's hand and places it over his own heart, holding it there so Liam wouldn't pull away. Then he places his free hand on Liam's heart. He has a knee in between Liam's legs, braced against the door. Partly because Louis needs as much support as possible in case Liam tries to get away, partly because he needs support staying on his feet when Liam is this close to him, and partly because Louis has wanted to be this close to Liam since the first time he laid eyes on him, so sue him for taking some small advantage while helping the lad out.

Liam opens his eyes slowly, at Louis's touch, wondering what was going on. He found the boy staring intently back at him. When their eyes lock Louis begins to count quietly, voice rough.

"One, two, three, four, five, six..."

Liam is confused, but soon realizes Louis is counting his heart beats out loud in an effort to get Liam to focus in on them, and match his own to Louis's. It is working, Liam is getting lost in the steady cadence of Louis's heart, the deep blue of his eyes, the soft hum of his voice. Soon enough the panic attack is no longer a threat, and Liam's entire body sinks against Louis's in exhaustion.

Louis holds Liam close, and switches their positions so that they are sitting on the classroom floor, his back against the door and Liam draped across his lap. It's a little awkward, with Liam being bigger than him, but he cant help feeling like they fit. Louis could hold Liam this way forever if the younger boy would just let him.

Liam lets out a shaky breath, pulling Louis from his thoughts.

"It'll be alright Li," Louis whispers.

"It won't, my father hates me," Liam sniffles.

Louis takes Liam by the chin and pulls his face up so that they're staring into each other's eyes again.

"It's his loss, he can fuck off," Louis says firmly.

He says it with so much force, so much conviction that Liam wants to believe him. He's shaking his head though, pulling out of Louis's arms, and standing up because they are entirely too close for comfort and if he doesn't move now Liam is afraid he won't ever want to. Louis is letting out a long sigh and letting his head drop back against the door a little too harshly, closing his eyes for a minute before he has to let go of the moment where he was so close to getting what he never knew he wanted.