St. Ambrose Mental Health and Rehabilitation Center //// AU LiLo

Chapter 41: Relapse

Louis isn't sure how he ended up like this.  His entire life he'd been a screw up, people eventually learning not to bother giving him the benefit of the doubt because if something went down it was bound to be his fault.  Here he was now, though, staring into the eyes of the man he loves.  They're full of adoration and trust, and for a second Louis begins to feel his throat close because of course he's going to screw this up too.  Liam is kissing him again, though, and just as suddenly the momentary panic just washes away.

"I'm ready," Liam whispers in his ear.

"What?" Louis asks, voice rough as he pulls back to study Liam's face.

"I'm ready Lou, I want to do this," Liam repeats, rolling his hips into Louis's.  

"Li-." Louis tries to speak, but his breath gets caught in his chest and his mind goes blank as Liam continues to grind against him.  

Louis groans and shakes his head in an effort to clear it.  He places firm hands on Liam's hips and pins them down to the bed, forcing them away from his own.  "Give me a second Li, I need a second to think."  

"Hey," Liam responds softly, curling his fingers in the hair at the nape of Louis's neck.  "I don't want you to think.  I'm ready, yeah?  I want this, I want it with you."

"Are you sure, Liam?"

"Don't call me Liam," he answers, nodding as a massive smile stretches across his face.

Louis's breath gets caught again, this time struck by the sheer beauty before him and the overwhelming love he feels for Liam.  He peppers gentle kisses down Liam's forehead, eyes, nose, finally capturing his lips into a tender kiss.  

"Tell me the second you want to stop."

"I won't want to-."

"Promise me, Batman.  If you get uncomfortable, or scared, or if it hurts too much, or you just think I'm shit at it and you want to stop, promise me you'll tell me."

"I promise," Liam says, voice strong to show he has no intention of needing to rely on what he's assuring.  

Louis kisses him again, full of tongue and passion this time.  He makes sure to keep it slow and gentle, but he still manages to have Liam whining when he pulls away.  

"Just getting some essentials," Louis soothes, climbing off of where he's straddling Liam on the bed and going over to his desk.  

Louis can see his hands shaking as he pulls the desk drawer open to get his stash of lube and a condom.  He's a bit of a nervous wreck, and he finds it equal parts amusing, surprising, and irritating.  He pretends to have to search around for the supplies, stalling to take a few calming breaths.  He gives himself a quick mental pep talk, telling himself that he needs to be in control of this, that they love each other and everything will be perfect.  

Louis's hand isn't shaking anymore when he places the lube and condom on the bed next to Liam.  His breath is steady when he leans in, his lower body flush against Liam's side, upper body hovering over him.  His voice is strong when he asks Liam of his certainty one last time.