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Experience Diary - 9

  ***PLEASE READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE BEFORE READING FURTHER***

A U T H O R ' S   N O T E   :

Guys please support me and be kind towards this chapter. Its a very sensitive experience shared by one of the readers. And its the grim reality. Such cases do happen. I decided to publish this experience because such things actually happen in the society and everyone should be aware of it. I could have just simply ignore this experience, but I actually felt that this is something that everyone should understand. Many of the girls might have experienced such things but never had the guts to actually speak a word against it.

Also I would specially like to mention that the person who has shared this experience with me, I have actually started respecting her more after reading it. At least she has the guts to voice her words.  

Well you can term some part of this chapter to be "matured" but whatever it is, its the fact. 

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The author wants this experience of hers to be shared anonymously. So lets respect her decision and keep it anonymous.

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Hi friends.

This is about a deepest secret of my life. I have never shared it with anyone...

I was 7. At that time, we used to visit my auntie's place quite often. She had a son, to me more precise, my cousin brother. He was 17 then. But his actions were so not like a brother. He abused me sexually many times. 

DIFFICULT TO BELIEVE???

BUT IT IS TRUE. HE ABUSED ME  SEXUALLY. NOT ONCE OR TWICE BUT MANY TIMES.

You can ask me why I didn't tell about this to anyone. 

But to answer your question, I was just 7 years old then. I didn't understood what it was, what his actions meant.  He literally rubbed his penis on my private part and kissed my lips many times. But thank God he never removed either of our clothes. I never understood what was exactly going on, so I cried whenever he did that. I used to literally beg him to leave me, but he never listened. He didn't hurt me, but I was afraid, I was scared. He used to console me after doing all those things. But he never used to threaten me. He used to be very sweet to me all the time except for the abuse. So at that age of mine, I assumed that it was the way he was... 

It was not just him. 

My uncle's son, who was just one year elder than me, used to misbehave with me, like kissing me. I know he was also a kid then, but it scared the hell out of me. And again when I was 12, he started his torture again. I can't even describe it in words. Its just too difficult. The mental torture is very intense and painful...

As the time went on, I was never able to forget all this. These things were buried deep inside my mind. But as I got elder, after puberty, my mind started to think about sex. I was very obsessed with it. One time I accidentally watched a porn video (it was purely unintentional). It provoked me to watch it again and again. I was 16 at then. I was introduced to a sex website pepperonity. There I developed friendship with a boy. As it was a sex website, its but obvious that they always do sex chat. As I was very curious about it, I also got myself into it. He taught me how to do self sex. I did it many times. I talked about sex with my friends. They also triggered me to do sex chat and read sex stories and stuffs like that. I always kept thinking about it. I just couldn't take my mind out of it...

But when I turned into 17, I stopped it. I didn't chat with anyone and talked about it to anyone anymore. I felt ashamed of myself.... still i do.... I hate myself for that..... I was addicted to such stuffs...my parents were unaware of it.

Now the reason why I wanted to share about this is, I was a child when I was sexually abused but that provoked me in future to know about it. That turned me into something dirty. That just changed my character. We think it is just a common issue, but it creates a mental pressure, hell lot of mental pressure actually. It turns the girl into something different.

Now I really really hate myself for it. I feel guilty too. I sometimes get nightmares. Now my only fear is that how am I gonna face my married life? What if my future husband comes to know about it? Will he hate me? Will he feel disgusting about me? Will he leave me? Most of the Indian men want their wife to be naive and innocent. They can't accept something like this. Sometimes I cry, I beg to god, I beg him to erase out that past from my life. But the fact is that I have to accept my past... well I have kinda accepted it now. But what about my future?  

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Hey guys, its me OneIndianWriter. 

I would like to tell the author that there's no need of feeling guilty for it. No one can, in any way, be "pure" or "impure". And the man who cares about your past (which isn't your fault) , rather than your mental health, doesn't deserve you.