Craving the impossible. | Kim Namjoon FF|

Chapter 33- Confession and Giving up

I was at the hospital enjoying work as much as i can after all being a doctor is my passion and so does music so the last 3 weeks i have been spending all the day in hospital and then spending all night the studio. i've been in contact with Sam but not the boys or by the boys i mean Namjoon.

I started talking to Taehyung and Jhope more but only texting because i cannot let anyone hear my voice like that and also i cannot let anyone see me because i haven't been eating lately and i look like a zombie. Even at hospital i've been avoiding Sam as much as i can and what is helping me that her surgeries are in different time than mine. i was at the studio sitting there crying my heart out and listening to my songs that i wrote and sang and cried. Sam once asked me why do i always write sad songs and i said to her that i only write my heart out. and i wasn't lying Sam i really wish you are here with me but i cannot let you suffer all of that with me and i hope you are not suffering these things with Suga too. i truly wish that. i lay on the studio floor and sighed after i calmed down a bit.  

"MOM ITS SO HARD DOING WHAT YOU SAID TO ME TO DO. PLEASE HELP ME I AM DYING MOTHER I AM REALLY DYING." I sobbed louder than before till i heard a knock on the studio's door.

who that will be! nobody knows where the studio is except Sam and Jackson and Jackson i don't think will come here or he should've called

"who is it?" i said with voice so tired.

"i am Jackson Y\N open the door its cold out here." He said

"jackson? what brought him here?" i said to myself. I opened the door anyways and his eyes gone wide and his smile vanished. "OMG what is wrong Y\N you look so weak." he said to me worriedly and i chuckled a chuckle that's a mixture between sadness and sarcasm.

"come in Jackson" i said deadly to Jackson and entered the studio and he did follow me and closed the door. I sat on the floor and he did so.

"Y\N what happened.. where have you been the last 3 weeks?" he asked me worriedly and i chuckled sarcastically. "where do you think?" i asked him a hint of sarcasm in my voice and he nodded knowing what i will say as an answer.

"So what brought you here suddenly you never liked coming to my studio." i asked him. he was so nervous i say.

"i have something important to tell you." he said avoiding my eye contact making me worry if he knew something about Namjoon because he knows that i love him so of course he would be that nervous if he has to tell me bad happened to him.

"Jackson whats wrong" i asked worried.

"i.. i love you." he said still avoiding my eye contact making my eyes go wide at his sudden confession. "w-what" i stuttered looking directly at him trying to get together what he just said.

"i know you love Namjoon Y\N but i do love you and i couldn't prevent myself from telling you my true feelings towards you. i don't want to lose you. we can still be friends right?" he asked me and now he was looking directly in my eyes while asking me with so much plead in his eyes.

"Jackson remember when we were in high school and i promised you that i will never lose a friend like you no matter what happened?" i asked him while resting my hands on his and he nodded. "have i ever broke a promise that i ever made with you? am i the kind to break promises?" i looked at him directly in his eyes trying to comfort him and ease the stress he is feeling right now.

"no.. wait. that means i will not lose you because of my sudden confession right?" he said with so much hope in his eyes and i nodded. "never Jackson. you will never lose me i promise." i said to him and smiled.

"thank you!" he said and hugged me tight that i felt my bones about to break. i kept coughing because i was feeling weak already due to lack of eating and sleeping.

"oh sorry Y\N i am so sorry are you okay?" he looked at me and i nodded with a faint smile.

"you won't tell me why are you like this? because of Namjoon?" he asked me being the good friend he's always been. "no." i said simply and went to the chair and rested my back on it.

"don't lie at me Y\N. its because of him." he said with a so sure voice tone.

"i am trying to give him up so its a bit hard." i smiled sadly at him and got mad.

"are you crazy??!! you never loved someone like that Y\N and if you love him that much i know only one solution to this. don't ever let a chance slip without you being with him. and also he loves you." he said with stern voice making me look at him wide eyed and with my mouth open.

"he told you that? tell Jackson please he told you that?" i looked at him wishing he will say yes and he looked at me confused.

"if you love him that much why are you hurting yourself?" he asked me confused. and i told him everything about my mom's dream and stuff.

"Y\N look at me.. its a dream. i know you value dreams a lot and you believe that some dreams are signs to specific things and all of these things. but that doesn't mean that every single dream you have you must do it." he stood up to get out.

"where are you going?" i wanted to stop him but he seems really mad.

"Y\N wake up please. we live in reality not dreams." he said and then got out of the studio.

his words hit me hard in my chest and i felt myself wanting to cry louder than i did before and i did. i collapsed on the floor and kept crying and sobbing loudly. why now Jackson. i shouldn't have opened the door its 3 am already. why did i let you in i must've said you are a thief or something and didn't bother. you hurt me more than the dream.

then i had an idea. of course my dad felt relieved killing himself. i must do that too.

"i am sorry mom but what you asked me to do is really hard and unbearable." i said and cried louder i picked up the nearest blade next to me and placed it in front of me looking at it as if its my only savior and i kept crying silently.

*Namjoon's POV*

i was sitting with Suga we were the only ones awake at that time. he wasn't feeling sleepy and i was thinking about her.

"hyung do you know where Y\N is?" i asked him hoping he will help me find her.

"i do. but i won't tell you. she trusted me to not tell you where she is and i cannot break her trust Namjoon i am sorry." he told me honestly and i understood his situation and nodded.

"is she okay at least?" i asked him again and he nodded.

"she is Namjoon. she is don't worry she just needs time alone don't worry." he patted my back to ease the feeling of sadness inside of me. "i will go to sleep now we have work tomorrow morning." he said to me and made his way to the room. I was about to follow him to sleep till i heard the doorbell ringing. I looked confused at the door.

"who will come at this time?" i asked and made my way to the door. i saw who it was and weirdly enough it was Jackson. what is he doing here in this time. wait.. he is Y\N friend.. she must be in danger. i opened the door without a second thinking.

"hi Namjoon." he told me blankly and welcomed himself in. He sat on the couch and i sat in front of him waiting for his explanation is he here. As if he is reading my mind he started talking.

"i want you to know firstly i hate being here specially at this time. but you must help me in something." he told me and looked me in the eye and i nodded.

"i was with Y\N.. i just came from there directly to here." he told me making my heart race from just hearing her name.

"is she okay???" i asked him as i felt worried and looked at him begging for an answer to come out from his mouth but he just didn't say anything.

"SAY!!!" i shouted not feeling myself anymore. 

"Namjoon help her... i beg you." he said and started crying making my heart race and become terrified.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? WHAT IS WRONG TELL ME DON'T STAY LIKE THAT!!!" i kept shouting at him and luckily enough no one from the members heard me. He wiped away his tears and took a deep breathe.

"Y\N is dying Namjoon."