Dija's Corner

Dija's story time

If this is the right moment for it I really don't know but one thing for sure is that, I can't keep it to myself anymore.

Before I go down to storytelling, because it's our first anniversary as Inspirit squad today, I'll like to congratulate each one of us for enduring each other. Especially thank you guys for keeping up with someone like me. A girl who pretends to be strong when she really isn't and will die trying.

On joyous occasions we are supposed to bring out a very lively and happy atmosphere but my sisters, I believe it's what you've always wanted; for me to cry it all out and I will today so that I may put it all behind me and start anew.

Who am I really?

• Dija was that baby who people thought will die when she was a baby because she got really really sick which as her mother always says was the reason she took 2yrs before she started walking.

When I got introduced to one woman the time I went to my hometown for vacations, she was like "Khadija? I thought she died!" Lolls

• Dija is that girl whose parents never really liked each other. Arrange marriage sucks period. I've seen the hatred there since I was a kid. I would curl in my bed and cry whenever they fight. I wanted it to stop but it never ends and for that I hated my father. And those memories are still vivid in my head.

• My mother may have given birth to me but I didn't grew up in her care and I wonder if I would had become a better girl if she was the one who raised me up. The disappointments I've seen it. She will complain and compare about how I am not like her other two daughters. She says I feel more attached to my dad than I do her and what she doesn't know is she was slowly regretting my birth.

• My father! The man I have a love-hate relationship! The man who made me into who I am today. The man who has brought me great joy and love but also pain, my father. I hated him for his strictness, hot temper, principles and lot more. But he's my papa cherie, my adorable papa.

• For him I gave up on things I love most. I did all he asked of me, I was the good child. He wanted me to attended the most prestigious schools (all girls for that matter. He never trusted me. Couldn't even bring a friend home) the one he picked wasn't to my liking and it really required brains to get the best score for it. I did my best and I got the highest score in my school and attended the school.

• Again he said I've to attend senior highsch there and I really had fallen for the school, only problem was I was losing it. My grades dropped but luckily I did well in the exams and got sorted in Art.

Baam!

He was disappointed! He wanted me in science because he would love me to study medicine. A week passed with him trying to pull some strings for me, in the end I decided to let Allah decide my fate. And I instantly got accustomed to Art and I love it!

• My father became a reason I got depressed for a whole month. I grew up and he at times wrongfully judged me, not once or twice but many times. I got sick and tired. Tired of a man who curses his barren daughter that she may never give birth (my elder sister). The man who always threatens to divorce my mother (I used to hear that daily) The man people feared because of his bad temper.

One day I fought back. Yeah, I argued with my father countless times and he cursed me.

And that's why today in the eyes of people am a nobody.

I regretted ever raising my voice at him even if what he did was unjust. I just wanted peace, the right to decide my fate, mingle with people and be a good daughter.

I failed!

Even going against him didn't change anything and today here I am suffering because of a decision he thought will be good for me.

He ruined my life!

It was never my dream to live with people who doesn't consider me anything but an object to use and reuse. But thanks to him, his daughter was made one.

But it's over now.

I'll hang in a little bit more till I finally get out of this place, which I hope will be soon.

Many times I feels like giving up and end it all. I've thought of many ways and trust me when I say that I thought of suicide.

Why I am suffering now is because I feel like my family isn't mine anymore. Well they don't see me as one to be proud of.

I've always respected my elders and even the younger ones. I know my limits when it comes to mocking my friends and cousins and I know who to go for.

I never thought a man I highly respected will look so down on me and today, I see him less than an uncle. To me, he has become one of those people I lost respect for.

What hurts me the most is that I'm really close with his 9yrs old daughter. She usually calls me her mother because her parents are divorced.

It was so easy for him to degrade me by making me offer my room to a man when he has his own room and single. Also, there's a vacant room where that visitor stayed last year but they refused for him to stay there with the excuse that it's cold in there.

And me, here I am hating on this thing call a woman!

Many times I ask myself "why wasn't I born a man?" Because if I was a man, my father would had loved me. His relationship with my mother would had been peaceful as he only desires male children, and my mom give birth to girls.

If I was a man, I would had fought for my mother's right in her matrimonial home! If I was a man, my so-called uncles wouldn't had done what they did to me. They just proved to me that a woman has no value in their eyes.

But today I promise to be that woman who will take away all her mother's sorrows, always make her smile regardless of what happens. I will prove to her that I too can do what my sister's can do if not more.

And this is the last time I'll let their words and actions get to me. The very last time.

I've come to learn that no matter how hard we try some people are just difficult to please. Starting today I'll do better in having faith in what I love doing no matter what they say about me. I will be strong for myself, my mother and the members of my family who truly loves me and for you guys who has always been here for me.

Now let's go down to beautiful memories in the next chap, sisters :)

I promise am okay!