Yin and Yang [A Superhero AU] - Book Three

Chapter Thirty-Six - Grief

To anyone on the outside, it might be concerning to see a twenty-eight year old man standing in the door of his apartment, sobbing his eyes out. If anyone had known what Phil was feeling, it would have been completely understandable.

Phil manages to reign his emotions in a little bit as he steps inside fully and closes the door behind him. It shuts with a dull thud; a hollow, lifeless sound. With red, puffy eyes, Phil looks around his apartment and tries to imagine what life will be like now that he's all alone again. He can't. He's gotten so used to having someone around that being alone is the worst thing he can possibly think of.

His eyes land on a candle sitting on the counter, its flame flickering cheerfully in the darkness. Dan had always needed to remind Phil to blow out his candles. This morning, he must have been too distracted to notice, and now he'll never be around to remind Phil again. It's as if a dagger has been plunged into Phil's heart, and he has to steady himself against the wall. The flame mocks him, burning and alive, and Phil can't take it. He kicks off his shoes and starts storming through his house, gathering every candle he owns into his arms. On his way through the bedroom (he tries not to think about where he is too much), he grabs one of Dan's shirts off the floor and tucks it under his arm with the rest of the things he intends to trash. Then, once he's sure he has all of the candles except one, he tosses the shirt onto the counter and dumps the candles unceremoniously into the trash can.

The last candle is the one on his counter, burning with the fire that Dan used to control. Phil stares at it for a long time, his heart aching.

I'm going to have to buy matches, he thinks distantly. It's a silly and mundane thought, but it hurts more than he ever thought it could.

He gathers his courage and with one quick breath, he extinguishes the flame and watches the smoke curl up from the wick in thin wisps. It disperses into the air, and once it's gone he picks up the candle and drops it into the trash can with the rest of them. Hot, melted wax spatters the plastic bag and melts through it, but Phil really can't be bothered. He reaches over, grabs the shirt, and stops before he has the chance to toss it into the garbage. He can't do it. He can get rid of candles, but this is so deeply connected to Dan that he just can't. Instead, he slowly lowers himself to the floor and presses his face to the fabric, inhaling Dan's scent and letting the shirt absorb his tears. He sits there and sobs for a long time, and it feels like at some point, his body is going to run out of tears to give.

When he's finally able to stand, his head is throbbing. He sniffles, and even though Dan's shirt is damp because of him, Phil still pulls it on. He shoves the trash can under the sink and looks around the kitchen, wishing it wasn't clean so he would have something to distract himself with. He doesn't, so he forces himself to walk to the living room and sit on the couch. He can't face his bedroom yet, at least when he's not storming through it in order to find candles. So, he wraps himself in a blanket that still smells like Dan and shuts his eyes, trying to imagine that the villain is here and not a pile of ash in the middle of a bloodstained street. The quiet is unbearable, and seconds later he opens his eyes again. He digs his phone out of his pocket and flips through a series of videos before finally landing on the one that makes his heart leap into his throat. He presses play and bites his lip so hard it hurts, nose tucked into the blanket that surrounds him.

The sound of the piano flows from the phone, sweet and melodic. The phone holder, Phil, films into their room, where Dan sits at the piano and plays without a care in the world. The music plays for a minute before video-Phil lets out a small huff of laughter.

"I'm filming you."

Dan whips around on the bench, his shocked expression turning into annoyance and then amusement all in the span of two seconds. His brown eyes twinkle, so full of fondness that Phil's heart squeezes. It's a look he got so often and loved so much, and now more than anything he wants Dan to give him that look again.

"How long were you standing there?" Dan asks, a smile on his face. A bruise is visible on his collarbone, but it doesn't deter at all from his beauty.

"Like, a full minute. I'm surprised you didn't turn around sooner," video-Phil replies.

Dan rolls his eyes, and then cocks his head to the side a bit. There's a knowing look in his eyes, and he smirks. "Did you remember to turn off the video?"

After a second of silence, video-Phil laughs from behind the camera. "No, I did not."

Dan laughs and the video ends. Phil wipes away the tears that pour down his cheeks, a choked sob escaping his lips.

"Why did you leave me alone?" he asks, even though he knows the only thing that can hear him is the empty house. "I don't want to be alone..."

He runs his sleeve over his cheeks, his head pounding. How can there still be more tears? How can something hurt this badly? Phil looks at where the video froze and stares for a long time, Dan's smiling face looking back at him. He exhales and clicks play again, closing his eyes and letting himself fall asleep to the sound of Dan's piano playing.