Dear Dan,

003.

March 2, 2013

"I don't know what's more disappointing, that you didn't wake up feeling twenty-two today, or that I was waiting for you to do so." I laugh as I throw myself on the couch beside Dan.

He laughs too and shrugs. "Twenty-two, same as twenty-one but only a year after."

We look at each other as if to both confirm he said that, and then we laugh together like one of those movies where the character tells the other character something that neither think is true then they laugh, then; they're in love.

"You turning twenty-one could not be as calm as you turning twenty-two."

He shrugs again but holds onto his smile. "It is with a heavy heart that I must confirm you're right." I roll my eyes but smile anyway.

"What did you say that girl's name was again? Catherine?"

My mood decreases rapidly, but I smile and nod anyway, though I am disappointed that he'd bring her up now, here, with me around, asking me her name as if he had forgotten it or something, but how could he have forgotten it when she had been whispering to him all night long like a mouse glued to a sticky trap?

"She's cool," he says, I shrug and nod. "Does she come around a lot?" he asks, I shrug again and he begins to twirl a loose piece of my hair. "I think she's cool."

"I guess," I mutter and shrug once again.

But nothing about Catherine Bacardi is cool or inviting except her legs, which always seem to be open for boys she thinks she cares about for the night. I have picked her up from too many matchstick beds with undone sheets and spilt secrets, and god damn it, I never knew how to tell her that she was looking for peace in the rough heat of stranger's beds.

"She told me you two have been friends for a while." he ignites the topic again.

"I met her a few years back," I say, nonchalantly.

"How come you didn't introduce us sooner?" he asks, I just look at him.

I can't bring myself to say, well because we've only been dating for two months, besides I was afraid you might fall in love with her first and then I was afraid she'd leave you in the morning and I thought you to be too beautiful for that treatment. I smile and shrug again.

"Can't change the past." I laugh. He smiles and stands.

"Let's go get lost in each other," he suggests, before I can argue, and I am swooped up and away into the bedroom.

April 2, 2013

The first time Daniel Howell went down on me, I held my breath and thought he was joking when he had asked yet I thought it was the most beautiful thing he had ever said to me because he asked and didn't pressure me when I told him I was afraid he'd be able to see and feel everything.

He only waited for me to lay down and spread my legs and I thought that was easy because I'd been doing the same thing every night for the past three months with him and every time it just got better and better and fuck if I could hold him forever I think they'd call me the sky and him the clouds because of the way the sky was holding the clouds and god, what I would do to marry him tomorrow.

When the time came, I extended my legs across the bed like I was reaching for both the North and the South and neither were equipped to help me through this, and I wasn't afraid of him, I was afraid of myself messing this up for both of us.

I said, "if you look inside of me, all the way up, you will be able to see my broken bits and how much of a mess I am." but instead of searching for my broken parts, he ate from the outside to the inside where he had planted himself inside of me like my favourite flower and suddenly my ribs were not so broken and I won't forget the way I taste on his lips and the way he enjoyed it as much as I did.