Dear Dan,

005.

Triggers: Mentions of cancer and death

November 2, 2014

I was blind to what Dan needed; I mean I had to be.

I wanted to pretend I didn't just see one of my friend's plump lips around my boyfriend's dick, but I did. And I want to pretend I didn't punch him in the face but I did, and my bruised knuckles were the proof of my anger towards both of them.

"You couldn't leave me this one, really Cath? I gave you every single guy I even thought I liked since I met you, and you couldn't spare me the one guy that I really even gave a fuck about?"

I remember vividly the cherry red smirk printed perfectly on her face and the registration shock of being found like this by Dan. I miss him because I made the mistake of thinking his bones were a good place to grow roots even though people are not gardens.

When I was younger, my great-grandmother told me that ghosts don't haunt houses; they haunt people, that if you feel empty and restless it's because your soul is out there wandering the streets with the person who is your true home. And I am beginning to think Dan is my true home.

He kissed me like he was the devil while keeping demons away, how could I not love him?

I clap sarcastically and both of their heads turn around to face me, Catherine runs her perfectly manicured thumb across her bottom lip and sticks it in her mouth. I want to rip her hair out, tear her from limb to limb, but I am paralyzed by the way Dan is staring at me, guilty.

That was never something I wanted; to be the clueless partner of the relationship that has to deal with all of the sadness once the relationship goes to hell, or have him look at me like that as he did when I caught him being pleasured by someone other than myself.

All I could think of was the way Dan wouldn't look me in the eyes, instead, he paid attention to the body he had at his feet, the beautiful, toned, perfectly sculpted body of Catherine, and I kept thinking how this was my worst nightmare and he was the star of it.

"What now?" I ask. Both of them look at each other and shrug.

"Grazia," said Dan, who has yet to look me in the eye s.

"I asked you, no, I begged you not to do this, not with her. I warned you and I begged you and you took that as a get-out-of-jail-free card. Did you think I wouldn't be hurt because of how I'm used to the way she steals men from me like I'm the earth and she is the moon who everyone wants to look up and see?"

He shakes his head and whispers. "I love you. "

"It shows," I say, sarcasm dripping from every word.

"I just...the bet...you said," he murmurs, and then he rubs his eyes as if to wake up from a dream.

"Hate to be the one to break the news, Dan, but this is real life, no matter how many times you rub your god damn eyes you will continue to look up at the mess you've made. How are you going to fix this? How are you going to clean this thing up?" I ask.

He doesn't look at me.

"I asked you a question," I snap so loudly that both of them look up at me.

"I don't know," he mutters.

"You don't know? You did this, you must have thought of the possibility of being caught somewhere along the line, you dumb ass. How long have you been having your dick sucked by someone so disgusting?" I ask and Catherine starts to speak up but I silence her.