Outbursts

January 20

                                         "Life is about what you do, not what you receive."

     Five years ago i would never make certain actions based on karma. Five years ago I had friends... who were to blinded by their lives that they failed to see the happiness fading from mine. I was slipping around the dark abysses called depression, trying with all my strength to keep holding on. I walked trough so many phases of it.

     Now that I look back it was so obvious what was happening. My grades were starting to degrade, athletics was running down hill, or my father made me believe, i started to avoid everyone and I had this thing with this boy. it was so unhealthy it's not even funny. Bets were putted in place. My team mates were pushing me to him and All i wanted to push back, because deep in side I knew... my brain was saying it would end bad for me. "he's perfect for you Mia" my best friend would say. How could they defend him when they saw how much he was hurting me. We would talk all night long, but when i saw him he would ignore me. And this got on and on and on.

     Until one day I gained some balls and went to talk with him. He was my first kiss but after that he never talked with me again. He won the bet. And stole the light around my life.

     I knew it would happend, it was my fault it happened. It was the starting point to the down fault. I knew my friend didn't knew much about my life outside of atletics. I liked to keep everything separated. My parent never saw me race at the time. I was alone.. so alone. My brother studied in a different city, my mom worked with rotative schedules and my father worked out of the country (let me tell you a secret him working out side of the country was gift).

     My best friend Ana new something was off... i mean she did catch me crying my eyes off once or twice. But never really helped me. And she couldn't. When you get so far into the darkness nobody can help you get out. It has to be you. You have to get scared of the dark. You have to look for a place where its grey, a neutral zone.

     I started to felt numb, I was always trying to find a way of feeling something, and you know pain. Pain allow you feel something. So i started to look for something that could hurt me. When cutting did nothing I started to learn the best way i could kill myself. Just so at least i could find some peace of mind.

     Jumping out of a clif, the hanging, the get your self in front of a car had so many repercussions if it ended badly in ways that would put the persons who surround me in so much work. It would only make life get worst. So i started to run to die. I pushed my limits until They would force me to stop. And when I mean They I mean my team at the time. My two little starts, I have so much to thank those two and they don't even know it. They were the only one i didn't stay way from in the dark period. They also were the only one who made an effort to stay by my side.

    Ana and Petter are one of the reasons I'm breathing. They huged the dark out of me. When my mom forced me to go see someone Ana would go with me, and i knew Peter would be the one to force me to stop in practise. He was my brake. They were my light when the darkness got to dark. And i'm forever in their debth.

They aren't anymore. What I am going to do now that I'm starting to slip again. My chest is hurting and I can't breath and once again all I feel is loneliness.