Outbursts

January 25

Since I remember being a person i always was the unfit. I don't adapt easily mostly because I don't trust people. After all, my family is the prime example that, being blood related means nothing, when you are blinded by Envy and Want .

My father side of the family is completely insane when it comes to see others being happy. They are so self centered and I absolutely loathe that I inherited the default gene from them.
My grandparents never were the typical parents one has. They strike as the parents who were there for their kids when in reality my father and his siblings where raised in complete freedom and with out rules. Now they are a bunch of selfish adults with attention problems. And others.
My father started to work when he was 12 because he wanted a bicycle. Dropped out of school (although he was crazy smart) and started working in a farm. My grandparents never did anything against it. He was just a kid but they did nothing.
Now he has as issues. I mean who wouldn't have if your parents allowed you to work, more like forced you to, while all your siblings are at home studying. The lack of good parenting is noticed in all of four of them.
One of his issues has to do with is capacity of understanding that we don't have to be like him, we have defauls and we are better then him in certain aspects. For some reason we are always eating him say "you will never be has good has I was", "I was the best player of my teams and I worked and you both can't do anything right" he is always degrading our accomplishments. It feels like he has To do it to feel better.. to feel accomplished.
He is not always like this. He has a lot of good moments and it comes to a point where you question yourself if what you are doing is correct or not. If what's happening is all your fault. 
He's the other reason why I still think of dying.

Last year I made one of the worst decisions I could ever make, I signed a deal with the devil and started to work for him. At the time I thought it would be great. I could have my own work schedule. I could run all I wanted. He made so many promises and like a foul me and my brother fell in to the trap. I think my dad thought that it would be great to.

My father has this thing where he makes everything look so good in the outside it comes with a way of protecting himself from the outside world. He messes with our heads, he plays with us like we are his puppets. And makes us feel like shit when thing go out the plan he created.
One of the reason why I decided to join him was all about The Dream, he promised I could practice and I could run and he would support me. After working in a supermarket for three years it was the chance I was seeking. Being able to help the family and still do my thing. All I wanted to do was grow, open my wings and fly.
I'm on my bed feeling like garbage because the persons who were supposed to be there for me. Are the one smashing me making feel worthless.
It not just him. My mother never really supported me. She just wants me to stop working so much for the dream. To see running has a sport you so once in a while and not a way of living. It gets fuxking hard to do what you believe you can do it of you set your mind on it when the two persons in this world who should support you, no matter what, Can't.
With them i learned that even family can not be trusted