dark minds [completed]

beautiful angel

as i breathe in the

lies and the anger;

the hate and the screams;

the cries and the sobs; the

feel of blood suffocating me,

trapping me against the kitchen

floor. i scream against the night,

i kick; i shake; i sweat; i pound at

my bed sheets. i long to hear my

mumma' s voice, my pappas hand

on the small of my back as he leads

me to bed.the feel of ma's embrace,

her warm smile as she rocks my tiny

form,daddy singing to me. she'd mutter

some words in Irish; tell me the demons

would leave me alone soon, that I'd be

her healthy little boy again. she'd tell

me that i should carrying on eating apples

as they'd get me through the day, and I'd

always hear her whisper out my name, before

sleep consumed me. they'd stay there all night,

my ma rocking me, holding me against her chest.

she'd run her fingers through my hair,told me i

was loved and that she wanted me to eat soon

so her own thoughts of me leaving would fade away.

...

but now i wake up in the night with no one

to cling too.no one singing me to sleep and

no presence holding me. the demons alive; awake

as my night terrors start. the blood consumes me

mocking me in the darkness. i scream; i kick; i shake;

i sweat, pounding at my bed sheets. im all alone as

the rush of memories consume me. sometimes, I'd reach

for the drink, visibly relaxing as the cold liquor travelled

down my throat- burning my senses.other times, id light

a fag and watch as the smoke clouds appeared over head.

and on the rare occasion, I'd reach for my 'help' box, and

fiddle nervously with the noose inside. or I'd reach in further

and hold the small blade in my palms, itching for it on my

skin. and its odd because I've never liked blood, but for

some reason whenever my night terrors would rise, going

to the blade and cutting into my flesh seemed like a damned

good thing for me. i don't know what it was, but it was

something to do with the fact that if i harmed myself, if blood

appeared, i would feel like i was in my terrors; yet that didnt

scare me.i think being back in that room, with the smell of

copper and dried blood, i think it clouded my better judgement

thinking that i could somehow replay the memories - only to

change certain aspects and clear up all the blood.

...

which is weird, i know. creating blood (in which i despise)

only hoping it would force me back into that dream, allowing

me to create a sense of rewinding time to change things.

...

but now as my night terrors appear

in the darkness, you're there, holding me.

loving me, caring for me, telling me in a

soft tone, "you need to wake up" and

although i cant see you, you keep me

sane, for i know i have you, when my

night terrors arrive; shutting me out

from the reality that is this world.

...

i have you. you hold me in the night,

trapping me against your skin. but

i don't mind, i dont mind. i love you,

my beautiful little angel who helps

me in the night. who leads me into

the light, and away from the demons.

my little angel; she eats apples but i

think that's just because i tell her

too.

...

my beautiful little angel

loves me, and guess what?

i love her too.