dark minds [completed]

numb

i dont like taking my meds

in ways, that makes me

just like my mum.

i hope i dont turn out

like her, but in ways,

i already have.

.

"you're easier to

control if numb"

the doctors said.

i refused to swallow

the little white pills

and instead got

even more ill.

"you'll never get

better," they said.

i shrugged and said,

"what if ive already

accepted that?"

they didnt reply.

.

but despite me

refusing to take

my medication,

i still keep them

safe. locked up,

away from my eyes.

for i know when i get

bad, i'll tear the packets

open and all the pills

will be shoved down

my throat.

.

i'll be gone in the next

few hours. dead.

just like mum, because

she refused to take

her meds.

.

and sometimes when

i want all the feelings

to go away, the memories

to fade, the nightmares

to vanish, i'll take my meds

and i'll fall asleep.

and i'll make a wish that

i'll never wake up again.

.

but like i said, wishes

dont come true.

and unfortunately, no

matter how many i

fit in my mouth and

swallow, no matter how

much vodka i take

with them, for some

reason, i always

wake.

.

sometimes, its good to feel

numb. even if its just for

a few hours.

sometimes i like to feel

numb, because that way

i dont care for anyone, not

even myself. and i feel the

best that way, and i think

thats because the feeling

of death creeps up. and

i dont mind.

i dont mind.

i never mind.

because whats a life

worth living if all you're

doing is swallowing pills

after pills just to stay alive?