It's scary how much a simple song or drawing will completely flip my mood. One minute I'm laughing with my friends as we send each other funny gifs and the next I'm drowning in regret and self-hate. I just upped my dose too. The intrusive thoughts are getting worse, and I'm afraid something might set me off. As you may know, I've never cut, and I know I probably won't ever be able to kill myself, but each time something upsets me or "triggers" me (that term has been ruined for me but I guess it sums it up well), I feel like that I might actually do it someday. I've gotten so bad to the point where I planned my death. Don't want to go into too much detail, but it does involve overdosing.
I'd like to minimize the mess. No need to bother others.
But, as long as people care about me, I will keep trying. I even talked to my therapist today. I'm not really feeling like myself right now. I find myself rambling on a bit and staring into space quite a lot. My mum and I had recently driven down to LA to deal with my grandma's death (we weren't close), and I found myself really irritable and emotional the entire time about stuff that didn't even matter. I remember I asked my uncle something and I thought I sounded snappy and nearly started crying. My little cousin (he's literally satan and I blame his mum 100%) ran off without telling his mum and she started freaking out. By that time her other kid (she's ten) started crying and I just found myself extremely irritated. When they found him (he had gone to the bathroom), he didn't get disciplined at all. They actually went and got him an ice cream afterward.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but that actually made me feel a bit better. I'm glad I have this to vent to the void.
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Selfish
RandomPretty major trigger warning. If you are uncomfortable with depression and suicidal thoughts, please click away. Now that we have that done with, hi. Welcome to my public journal. Disclaimer: The attempts at poetry are pretty cringy, so beware lmao...
