Midge Jorbyn is eleven years old, living with her evil foster dad Joffrey. Everything seems fine from the outside, but she walks to school with the lunch she packed. Nobody knows what she's holdin' back. Wearin' the same dress she wore yesterday,
sh...
After drinking twenty-three bottles of champagne, Groffy carries me out of the hospital bridal style. The whole cast files onto Lin's pontoon boat with wheels.
"Hold on to your socks!" He shouts, and starts the rudder. "I'm looking at you, Jonathan."
"What can I say?" Shrugs Groff. "They have a mind of their own."
On the way, we sing an assortment of Gospel tunes. Good King Wenceslas, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, Oh When the Saints Come Marching In. Biblical Bops!
We arrive at the theater. The paparazzi are outside taking pictures of me. I pose and stick out my butt. Everyone cheers.
Once we get inside, I am brought to the fitting room. Lin introduces me to the seamstress.
"Hello, honeybuns. My name is Begonia Butterbitch"
Wow! This girl is a real triple B! Big Butt Bitch!
"Let's get you into something scrumptious, dah-ling"
Within ten minutes, I am fitted into two dresses. The first one looks like this:
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I gape. It's beautiful! It's the most gorgeous things I've ever laid eyes on.
Begonia nods wisely. "The red really brings out your clavicles, honey."
The second dress looks like this:
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I twirl in the mirror.
Begonia, stunned, says, "I like this one. It really brings out your jaundice."
"Thanks," I say, pleased. Groff walks in the room.
"Hey," he says. "I wanna tell you before I go on, that I think we made a real connection. I'd like to ask you to brunch tonight. I love me a good mimosa."
"But--" I give a deer-like lick of my lips. "Butt." I pause. "But how can it be brunch if it's night?"
