Adopted by Lin Manuel Miranda

She

I feel like I've been sitting in this hospital for years. Nay, decades. I feel a hand on my shoulder. It's Begonia.

"He was gonna adopt you, you know," she soothed.

A single sob escapes me. It could have been me in that hospital bed, if not for him.

Suddenly the doctor grapevines in, religiously. "Howdy folks. I'll be Linny Bobinny's doc while he's here." He heartily slaps Lin's lifeless shoulder. I grin. I like this guy. "What's wrong with him?" I ask.

"He's as dead as a porcupine in a sausage mill." He looks at me gravely. "In other words, he's in a coma."

"Hey, wait, I was in a coma before!" I say excitedly. "So he can be cured right?"

The doctor' face looked lopsided when he frowned. "I'm not sure. But just in case, we're gonna put him into a coffin. And also, you only have twenty four hours before we close him up." He shrugs. "Standard protocol."

Hearing that makes me fall on the ground and hit my head on the hard linoleum.

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Everything is dark. I struggle to lift myself from the ground. My eyes begin to adjust to the dim light. I see a funeral happening in front of me. I approach the scene cautiously.

The words don't make sense. Lin? Dead? No.

-

The scene changes. I'm in a new location. It seems like... a runway? In front of me is a person that looks like Begonia but 300 pounds lighter. She stands with her hip popped in the center. Her normally fashionable clothes have been replaced with a gaudily colored golden jumpsuit. She makes direct eye contact and begins shoveling cabbages into her mouth. Her lips seem to expand like a beach ball that nobody wants to play with. Her eyes seem glazed over, unaware of her bizarre actions. The cabbages go in, one by one, sometimes two at a time. Her cheeks bulge out as the two green orbs full every space in her mouth. Every crack, every crevice. The Begonia I used to know would never stand the taste of cabbage. She rolls the vegetable around in her mouth. I see the misshapen lump that was the bottom part of the leaf engorged under her lip. Wordlessly, she tosses one at me, daring me to taste.  She swallows the cabbage still in her mouth, but cheeks still looked lodged with cabbage. I watch in horror.

Her skin has lost its normal bronze hue and has begun to turn a shade of green so revolting, it rivals my jaundice. Her fingernails and teeth have turned into lettuce. She gnashes her rancid green molars at me. Her hair is replaced by shredded strands of cabbage, some parts white, some a chartreuse color. She flips it over her brightly green colored clavicles. Before I realize it, her entire body has been replaced by the dreaded vegetable. With nowhere else to go, the leaves begin to fill her body up. She swells. Under her jumpsuit, I see a canopy of verdant greenery sprout from her undergarments. I want to make myself look away, but my eyes won't allow it. At this point, her skin has become so taut from the underlying cabbage, that it seems to almost be alive. She gives me a final viridescent smirk.

"Scrumptious, dah-ling." With a final crunch, and then a munch, she is gone.

-

The scene changes once more. This place looks the most familiar. It's the restaurant where Lin was shot! All of the were pronged against the wall. Except for one. The restaurant is dark, except for a single spotlight highlighting a still being, sitting in the lonesome chair. I pad over on my tippy-toes. I circle around the chair, trying to get a good look.  The face looks familiar, but I can't quite place it.

Wait.

It's Groff.

He is as plump and juicy as a cashew. His body spills over the sides of the chair, grotesquely, dribbling down to the floor. He is obese. There is no other word. His normally chiseled face is now blubbery. It reminds me of a beluga whale. Whales are cutie patooties. He sleeps serenely, his chin on his shoulder. Saliva cascades down his bulbous cheek. I reach to wipe the saliva from his cheek, cautiously, so I didn't wake his ravishingly beautiful paunchy body. All of the sudden, I feel a quavering in the floor. The intensity increases. Shocked, I look down. His stomach is bubbling, like boiling water about to spill over the top. Although it seems impossible, Groffilini's vibrations seem to exceed the Richter scale. I am transfixed by his burbling girth. While I am looking, a single claw emerges from his belly. What is going on? I think to myself. Before I have time to think about that, a sound of about 67 trillion billion hundred decibels wracks my ears.

"Groffenstein?" I ask aloud, a low rumble of fear moving through me.

He is unable to respond. Thousands of small, furry creatures are swarming the air. They are groundhogs. At first, I believe I've finally landed in hell. I sink to the ground,howling. My beautiful Groffilstiltskin has been reduced to nothing but these hellish creatures. They swarm, coming out of all available holes of his body. Every crack, every crevice. Out of his eyes, out of his ears. His nostrils. I am petrified. 

The groundhogs bound at me, gnashing their terrible teeth, showing their terrible claws. I back up towards the wall. There is no escape. I must face my foe. This is my hell. This is the end.

In my head, I say my last rites.

O holy hosts above, I call upon thee as a child of Lin Manuel, to shake my groundhog clawed ass in the face of death.

I call upon the Great Groffpostle, master of mimosas, to open the curtain of paradise. Let the fire of Jonathon Groff's itchy tush descend upon my putrid soul.

The groundhogs freeze in midair before they can rip apart my dandelion colored skin. I hear a voice.

"God?" I question. "I didn't think you'd respond so soon."

"Midgey-pidge, it's me!"

Huh? That doesn't sound like God. That sounds like...

the doctor!

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My crusty eyes begin to adjust to the light.

"Where I am?" I ask. I am traumatized. I see the doc.

"We lost you for a couple seconds there, Midgey-Moo!" He says brightly.

"That's kewl okay." I respond, disoriented.

"Butt doing how Groff?" I smack my lips.

That butt's got me HOOKEd, no matter how traumatized.