forget me (e.dolan) [discontinued]

nine

march 21, 2014 (still)

i don't even know what to write. i'm speechless. speechless! i want to climb onto my roof and yell into the streets and jump on my bed because maybe that will begin to explain how my heart is feeling.

when peyton came over, she didn't welcome herself inside the house like she usually did or even message me saying she was here. she knocked a couple times, so quietly i didn't hear it and dad had to call me downstairs. i opened the front door and pey looked more nervous than i've ever seen her.

then she said, "it's not just you who feels it."

i got pretty confused. i mean, i had an idea of what she meant but i guess i've been convincing myself for a long time now that all pey and i are is friends so when the thought of what she might have meant came to me i just pushed it away.

"i'm- what?" i kind of stuttered, finally stepping outside and closing the door behind me.

peyton looked cute standing there on my doorstep, i noticed, with her hair a little bit messed up but still pretty looking as it went a little past her shoulders. her eyes were wide and her hands were clasped in front of her body with her fingers fiddling together, like she always does when she's nervous. (sorry if my description isn't so good, i'm not the best at this stuff but it's even more beautiful in person than how i said it, i swear.)

then peyton closed her eyes and sighed, and she reached one of her hands out until she was touching my chest. "you... you have feelings for me, right?" pey said slowly, looking at her hand. i felt very aware of how fast my heart was beating then and wondered if she noticed it too.

i swallowed hard and said, "you know the answer to that. nothing's changed." pey looked like she was holding back a smile.

"well, i just want to say that i'm sorry. because it was wrong of me to not say something sooner but i didn't know what i wanted for a long time."

i still didn't know for sure what peyton was taking about but at that point i wasn't too far from the realization.

"and now you do?" i asked, kind of unsure of what i was asking.

"yeah. i do. so i just want you to know that it's not just you who feels it — all the tingles and the butterflies and... it's not all your imagination-"

"pey? what are you getting at?" at this point, the realization was coming to me and i knew for sure that her hand was pressed against my chest because she wanted to feel how hard my heart was thumping. surely she wasn't disappointed because i could hear the sound in my ears.

when peyton looked up at me, her eyes were watery but there was a smile on her face. "i like you ethan. a lot." she sighed really deep and stepped in closer to me until i could smell her perfume. my breath caught in my throat. "i know i should have told you sooner but i guess i didn't want to admit it to myself because it's hard to realize that you're in love with the one person you never want to lose.

"you're just... perfect. you're perfect to me." i pulled peyton in so the gap between us almost stopped existing, just like the way my whole world felt like it was doing, and i put my hand up to her cheek. "i love everything from your eyes, to the way you laugh, to the way your hands sometimes don't know what to do when you have them on me because you get so nervous. and i love that you always know how to make me laugh, and that you're so, so selfless that you sometimes look confused when i ask you how you're doing because you're so busy worrying about other people. i just...- i haven't been able to get you out of my head, and i'm just sorry it took this long to really realize it."

for a long time, i was speechless. all i could focus on was peyton's words, which seemed like they were still in the air between us, repeating back into my ears to make sure i could never forget the way her voice sounded when she said all those things to me. my brain was scrambling with all the things i wanted to say and do back, but i took one look into peyton's wide brown eyes and found the answer. our lips were closer to each other than they have ever been, and because i'm so bad with my words i knew that it was the only thing i could do just to lean in.

"can i kiss you?" she asked finally, when i realized i was still frozen in my spot with our faces so close and my thumb running lightly across her cheek.

that was when everything snapped into focus, and i realized that the one thing i've wanted more than anything for the past year was falling right into my lap.

"that was supposed to be my line," i said finally, very quietly as if there were a bunch of people surrounding us. i leaned forward, and even though my grin could barely go away long enough to do it right, i kissed peyton. it was like everything and nothing that i've ever hoped for it to be like, and in the best way possible. her lips tasted just like the strawberry chapstick she always carries around with her, and her hand was warm against mine. for a second, it felt like she had stepped back a little bit and so i nearly unhooked my arm from around her waist, but it didn't take long for her to step forward again, coming closer to me than i think we've ever been.

and so, that's the official story of when i first kissed my best friend, and potentially the love of my life. it's in here now, where the memories can't be erased over time.

i didn't really feel fireworks like all the books and movies make it sound like there are. it wasn't like that. i just got a feeling like there was no one else that i'd ever want to do this with. and it was warm. or maybe it was just peyton who was warm.

either way, this is something i don't think i could forget even if the words weren't written in here for me to read again.

and i like that.

//

i love when people steal my story plot AND characters. ha.
if you're inspired by somebody's work, great. everybody finds inspiration through things they read and see. but do not - and i repeat, DO. NOT. steal their hard work because you do not know what to write about. that is NEVER okay. there is a lot of love and hate and emotion that goes into writing a book, and you can not recreate that by stealing it.

to the rest of you lovelies that are reading forget me and are being patient with my slow updates and staying with me as i find mine (and more importantly, ethan's) voice in this book: THANK YOU ❤️❤️ i love you all so so much

el