forget me (e.dolan) [discontinued]

prologue

this is much longer than a normal prologue whatever enjoy!

//

memories are a damn plague. that was all i could think on a rainy sunday morning as i stood at his old doorstep.

at his old doorstep.

him, whose name i couldn't bare to say — to think, without it tearing another piece from my chest.

old, because he hadn't lived there since he died a year prior.

i hadn't been inside his house since he'd left me for good, and yet standing outside i could already place one of my most cherished memories in the very spot i was stood in.

"can i kiss you?" i asked shyly, although the question had already been answered moments ago when ethan pulled me in closely to his body, brought his hand up to my cheek and leaned down just enough to make me wonder what flavour of chapstick was on his perfect lips.

"that was supposed to be my line", he said quietly, dipping his head down until his smiling lips met mine.

the shock of warmth that flooded my body and sent tingles down my spine almost sent me a few steps back, but ethan's arm was hooked around my waist comfortingly, assuringly in the way i loved most.

he was not my first kiss, but something in me knew he was meant to be my last.

"peyton?"

i blinked once, twice, until my vision focused on a figure in the doorway. one that felt far too familiar. "grayson," i whispered weakly, the sound catching in my throat. i hadn't seen him since the funeral, and it was no easier this time around. his face was too hard to look at, sending my line of sight over his shoulder, down to the floor; anywhere just to keep from looking into his hazel eyes.

"i saw your car pull up. i was waiting for you to knock." there was a tentative pause, and i knew without looking at him that grayson was struggling, as i was, with all the things he wanted to forget. that he was struggling to look at me too. "do you think you're ready to go back into his room?"

everything in me seemed to drain a little more. "i haven't felt ready for anything since he— um—" i coughed. "but when you texted me it sounded important." without a verbal response, grayson reached out and hesitantly took my wrist, pulled me inside the far-too-silent household and lead me up the stairs that wound up from the foyer. the second we entered ethan's room, i squeezed my eyes shut. however, there was nothing i could do about the smell of him that still lingered or the memories that pushed their way into my brain anyway.

"i came in here today for the first time in... well, in a long time. i needed to remember him again, and all- shit," grayson's grip dropped on me and i finally looked up as he brought the sleeves of his hoodie up to his glossy eyes. it was then that i finally saw the bags under his eyes, the dull look of his skin. the way his hair hung disheveled over his forehead.

grayson, for the past year, had never even had a chance to begin accepting the loss of his brother. not when he lived in the same house, the same town, around the same places that he'd lived 18 years with his best friend, where they made memories that only brothers as close as they were could. he was trapped inside of everything that he and his twin brother used to be. without ethan, grayson was gone too.

"i'm sorry," he choked out, and for the first time my heart ached for more than just the one i had lost. i fought with every bit of limited energy i had not to cry; not to be weaker in front of the the one who was nothing but a broken shell of who he once was. as i stepped forward and wrapped an arm around grayson, i could both feel and hear his deep exhale, his attempts to remain numb and will away the tears. very slowly, he spoke again, monitoring his every word to keep the sobs at bay. "i needed to remind myself of him again. but i found something that i think you have to see."

grayson squeezed my shoulders appreciatively before shuffling away, to the bedside table that resided next to ethan's old bed. the tears were getting harder to hold back as i finally looked around at the room i was standing in. flashes of my head on his chest, his hand laced in mine and the sound of his laugh that echoed around the walls. don't cry, peyton.

"here," grayson said quietly, extending a hand out to me that held a book of sorts. a journal, i realized. leather and ratty and bound closed with a rope that attached to the spine.

"what is— what? he wrote in a journal?" i asked. my voice failed me again, came out as a whisper as i thought of all the pieces of his life that may have resided in the pages. everything i forced myself to forget for the past year.

"i didn't know either. i opened it to see some of the pages, because i knew everyth-" a deep, deep breath. grayson closed his eyes for a moment, rebalanced. "i knew everything about ethan, like you did. but then, on the first page..." grayson pushed the journal into my hands and then stepped back as though it was dangerous. curious, i turned it over, gently pried it open onto the first page. immediately,  my breath caught in my throat. my eyes scanned over the sharpie printing on the first page over and over again to memorize it in case the messy scribble of his writing would suddenly melt away.

PEYTON
One day maybe I'll show you this and you can understand the impact you've made on my life.

i looked up at grayson, finally holding no regard for the blurriness of my tears that obscured my vision and tore me apart because of how much it made grayson look like his brother. "what is this?" i asked.

"journal entries for you or maybe about you, that ethan wrote before he died."

/

THIS WILL BE THE ONLY "WRITTEN" CHAPTER IN THIS BOOK, all the rest will be in journal/letter form :)

oh, and it's also going to be written in ethan's point of view.

i don't have a fricken clue how people will like this book, but i had a weirdly strong urge to write it. i hope you all enjoy this as much as you seemed to enjoy breathe me

i love you all, and happy reading <3 please let me know your thoughts

el