i'm trying to convert all these tears into tangible words but i don't know anymore. my brains pretty much all over the place. i can feel my heart break. i cant really its just chest pains from crying but that's besides the point. i've been crying for half an hour straight. my nose is stuffy, my face is sticky with tears. my eyes are red. i don't miss him, i just miss me before him. that's really all. he's just a reminder of the me that he stole. the me who could wake up and go to school and talk to all of my friends. the me who could sleep through the night. the me who could walk around the halls and not get scared of seeing him. the me who could go everyday without crying at school. i miss that me. i wasn't happy, but i was doing okay. i wasn't unstable, just numb. i didn't feel everything all at once. i've never felt like this before in my life and it's been so consistent and i don't know what to do. i'm too scared to ask for help and i feel stupid for this being my problem. i wish i could just disappear. every single atom that makes me, me. i just want it all gone. i don't know why i'm still here. i don't know how i'm still here. i know i just want to stop being here. to stop feeling. to stop everything. a year ago everything was okay. i messed that up for me. i messed up me. he messed up me. i don't know who to blame. i don't know who the culprit is all i know is that my fucking heart is missing and i don't know who hid it. i'm missing. and i don't know where i am. this isn't like my first heartbreak either. i remember that. and it wasn't this bad. i got over it really quick. a couple months, but quick. its been almost exactly an entire year. and i've tried everything. i've tried smoking my way out, drinking my way out, masturbating my way out, fucking my way out. and i'm just so stuck. i'm stuck like i got flattened into this. i'm stuck like i got branded into this.
