Phoenix Howell- Goodbyes and Hellos

Cigarettes and Trouble.

@PhoenixHowell
First day of at my new school (aka HELL) since I moved. Pray for me. #2school4cool

Since I had been filming some things with Dan and sometimes Phil I had gained quite a few followers on twitter. It felt nice to be noticed for once, in a good way. I grabbed my bookbag that had been hanging on the end of my bed. It was already filled with a notebook, pencils and a sketchbook.
I dressed myself in black jeans that were rolled at the bottom, a white cropped Beatles tee and a long black cardigan that Dan referred to as the "stylish grandma robe". I put in my white tunnels, a choker and black vans. My school had no specific dress code, which was nice.
This was one of the first times that I would be on my own in months. Outside of London when Adrain and I were still at home with mum and dad we went to the same school. Him and I were in almost all of the same courses. I was completely nervous this morning. Dan and Phil had applied for admission into London's College of Arts for me when I had first arrived with them. Adrain preferred to attend a normal school. I wouldn't completely be alone because it just so happened that my boyfriend goes to the same school, but he is a year ahead. I was completely and utterly terrified.
When I walked to the kitchen to get breakfast Dan and Phil were bustling around the kitchen with pans and breakfast foods.
"Mornin' sunshine!" Phil said brightly. It was unusual for him to be this cheerful for being only 7 AM.
"Adrain is already off to school." Dan said, pouring English pancake batter into a skillet, "but he said to wish you the best of luck! And we decided to give you a proper send off with the best meal your stomach has ever eaten!"
A plate of pancakes with lemon and sugar and blueberries coated on top. All I wanted to do was scarf down this food. After all it was my favorite food and they had spent time to make it for me but my stomach just said no.
"Your favorite!" Phil said.
"I love you guys." I said slowly putting a bite in my mouth.
"Are you alright?" Dan asked sitting down next to me.
"I'm fine." I said quietly. Dan could tell that it was an obvious lie.
"Bullshit."
"Pills." Phil said throwing a yellow bottle and a couple of different boxes of tablets at me from across the room. They all came at me in different directions.
"Phil!" I laughed, picking them up.
"Take them all." Dan said, he had been very strict on my medication since everything that had happened.
The boys helped me down the many stairs to the front. This was the only thing that I had a lot of trouble doing now.
Tyde picked me up for school in his car. Dan and Phil waved to me as Tyde started up the car. "Good luck! You'll do great! We love you!" They both shouted as we pulled from the parking space in front of the flat.
I had missed the first couple of weeks due to my injuries. I was still in quite a lot of pain but it was bearable enough to walk on my own slowly. When we got to the school a mass amount of kids were walking through the front corridor. The school private, specialized for students interested in the arts. We parked and walked inside together. Tyde lead me to the office where I was given my class schedule.
"I'm sure that you would be willing to show our new student around as you seem to already know her, Mr. Sivan?" The secretary asked Tyde.
"Of course, Mrs. Anderbury." He replied.
I looked at my schedule printed on the piece of paper I was given. It was soon snatched out of my hand by Tyde.
"Psychology at 8 AM with Mr. Paul. Same as me!" He said.
He continued reading. "Artist Anatomy at 9 AM...Maths at 10:30...Creative Photography at 11. Good news Phoenix Elizabeth Rose Howell. We have 2 classes together." He said.
~
My first break had come but Tyde was in class which left me alone. I was sat at a table in the courtyard. My legs shook with every step I took. I looked around desperately trying to find an empty table. The thought of trying to make new friends didn't even make it past my mind. I could barely think. All I felt was panic as eyes turned to me.
I reluctantly found a table in the corner of the courtyard. I set my stuff down and stuffed my earbuds into my ear and began drawing in my sketchbook. Most of my drawings were personal. Some were of my dad, sometimes violent memories with guns and knives but also some good times from when I was younger with my birth mother. Some were of Tyde. Some were of my new mum and dad. I began to draw myself, something new. I was sketching my face when I felt a shadow over me. I looked up to see two girls. One had black hair tied in French braids. She was wearing a fishnet sleeved shirt with a black tee shirt overtop and high waisted shorts. The other girl had bright pink hair and wore a tee shirt dress with fishnets as well, except hers were tights, and platformed combat boots.
"Hi, I'm Aleigha." The girl with black hair said. She extended a handshake.
My fingers shook as I reached forward for her hand. I could feel my whole body tense which hurt from my stomach. I tried my best to hide winces of pain that were passing through me. I closed my eyes for a quick second to clear my mind.
"And I'm Gracie!" The girl with pink hair said cheerfully. "Do you mind if we sit?"
"Uh- no, not at all." I said, moving my books from the other side of the table to make room for them. I was hesitant to talk to anyone, but I was trying my best not to let my anxiety get the best of me.
"And you are?" Aleigha asked.
"Phoenix." I said, "named after the American city in Arizona if you know it." I said, proud that my voice didn't shake as much as the rest of me was.
"I love that name!" Gracie said.
"Are you okay?" Aleigha reached for her back pocket and pulled out a box of Marlboro Reds and a lighter that had a plaid pattern on it. She put one of the cigarettes in her mouth and lit it, taking a deep drag before handing it to Gracie.
"Yeah." I replied.
"Probably just new school jitters." Gracie said. "Smoke?" She extended her arm forward offering me the cigarette. In America smoking was something I had done quite often for the nerves while I was at school. When I was in the process of being adopted by the Howell's and stuck in a home I had decided to quit. I thought about it for a moment, knowing that if Tyde or anyone at home smelled it on me that I would probably be dead. Everyone despises cigarettes. I took it anyways, knowing the scent was probably already on me from the other two.
"I saw you walk in with Tyde. A friend?" Aleigha asked.
"Boyfriend." I replied.
"How'd you two meet?" Gracie asked, sounding very intrigued.
I took a drag before saying "it's kind of a weird story, we met on the street in front of a mutual friend's house." I said, handing the cigarette to Aleigha.
"Cute." She said.
"All of the girls are obsessed with him." Gracie said, "seems you've won quite the catch."
"They just like him because of Troye." Aleigha said.
"Well..I don't know about that but-"
"How long has it been?" Gracie interrupts.
"Well..we've known each other for about 5 months. I think we're pretty close to being with each other for 3 months now?" I replied.
"Wow, that's a first for him." Aleigha says, tapping the end of the cigarette to get the ashes off it before passing it off again.
"Aleigha!" Gracie scolds.
"What? I'm just saying that he's been through quite a lot of girls and it seems that Phoenix has had him the longest. Congrats to you."
"Yeah, well I-"
"It was nice talking to you, we have Videography in 5 so we'd better go." Gracie says, putting the cigarette out on the table before throwing in onto the ground. "We'll talk tomorrow at break!"
~
Creative Photography at last came. Tyde came to get me from maths, grabbing my hand. "Hey, love!" He kissed my cheek. His smile turned to a confused frown before he learned forward and smelled my neck.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"You reek of ashes. What were you doing?"
"I-I uh- well..."
"Were you smoking? Since when do you smoke?" Tyde asked, a bit freaked out.
"Relax, its fine. I was just talking to some girls who were smoking. It's probably just from them. I didn't." I lied, afraid that he would be mad by the truth.
"Okay." Tyde looked suspicious but chose to believe me.
~
"Kiss me." Tyde said when we got into his car.
"What?"
"Kiss me." He repeated.
"I-well- I..I uh" I stuttered, trying to think of an excuse as to why I shouldn't, knowing the taste would still be on my breath. I gave in, not really knowing what else to do.
"You taste like a fucking ash tray, Phoenix." Tyde said. He started the car and pulled out of his space.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied to you. I just- I thought you would get-"
"Mad? Like I am? Mad like I fucking am right fucking now?" He stared straight ahead on the road. He never swore this much. I had never heard Tyde use this tone of his voice. It scared me.
"I wouldn't have been mad if you would've just said something like "yeah, I had one fucking cigarette". I would've just told you I was a bit disappointed and asked you not to smoke. But you fucking lied, Phoenix. You fucking lied to me. Fuck off."
And the rest of the car ride was silent.
~