Phoenix Howell- Goodbyes and Hellos

Dan

Dan
Dan's POV-
I tried to think about everything that had happened this week.

I got Louise pregnant. We're having a baby girl in 6 months. My boyfriend, the love of my life, my everything is angry with me for a drunken mistake. He left home, we haven't spoken this little in over 10 years. My sister is angry.

My life is falling apart.

I was laying in bed, my whole body hid under my duvet. I was curled up against Phil's pillow. It made me feel as if he was there a little bit, it smelled like him. My body shook every time I moved, even if it were just my fingers. My face was hot and I could feel stained tears on my face

I was going through a huge mix of emotions. one minute I was hopeful that Phil would return, or I would be excited that I was having a baby, or then I would be so sick of myself that all I could do was cry.

I heard keys being set on the table in the hall, I assumed it was Adrain or Phoenix and resorted to digging my head deeper into Phil's pillow and attempting to hold back tears. I assumed that whoever had come home was probably settling in the lounge or kitchen, so I let my breath out and the sobs returned, staining the pillow with tears.

I heard a cough beside the bed before I felt the blanket move off from my head.

"It's going to get hard to breathe if you stay under there."

I peered up to see Phil in our room, starting to put his clothes away in the closet.

"Phil?" I said, I could feel my face going red.

I watched him at he put his things away. He stayed silent as if he were waiting for me to say something but I was completely stunned.

The thing about Phil was that he had always been a quiet and anxious person. He barely ever spoke his mind in a fight unless his anger got the best of him. And he was always afraid of consequences and the future. As I watched him I could see his hands shake.

I sat up and wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Phil?" I repeated.

"Hm?"

"I want to talk."

"Uh huh." He looked me straight in the eyes this time. He awkwardly put his hands in his jean's pockets and leaned against the wall looking rather uncomfortable.

"I love you," I said. I reached out for his hands in hopes that he would come sit next to me or hold my hands. He hesitated for a second before pulling the desk chair out and sitting on it. This was his way of saying he wasn't ready to be close to me just yet.

"Let me explain what happened, please Phil."

He slowly nodded his head.

"It was a couple of nights after Phoenix had told us that she wanted to go back to America. Louise and I went out to a club with a few others, it was supposed to just be a relaxing evening to get my mind off everything that was going on. We had both had a lot to drink so we got an uber back to Louise's flat, I was just going to spend the night. When we got back our drunken selves thought it was a good idea to have end of the night shots...which turned into end of the night whole glasses of scotch."

I looked into Phil's eyes, trying to read what he was thinking but he just looked blank. I began to tear up. I was so afraid of making Phil upset again. I couldn't lose him, not again.

"After drinking a whole lot more the night is blurry. I remember stripping off my clothes because they were spilled over and I remember talking in bed..and after that all I remember is waking up the next morning to find us both well- you know..and a uh- a used condom on the floor. It was instant regret the minute I woke up." I wiped my face of tears once more.

"I never meant to hurt you, Phil. I love you. I never thought for one minute that I loved Louise. You're my soulmate, you have my whole heart. You're my everything. And if I had realized how much you meant to me before any of this shit happened I would have been so much happier." I grabbed Phil's hands now, not even caring that he was resisting a bit.

"Louise was a mistake. That whole night was a mistake, Phil. And yes, she's pregnant now, but that's a mistake that I have to address and take responsibility for myself. Phil, you can have your own opinions on this, you have the right to. After all, your boyfriend just outright tells you he got a girl pregnant, that's not something to take lightly. But I'm sharing half of my DNA for a baby girl and this may be my only opportunity to have a child."

Phil looked at the floor but didn't pull his hands off me.

"You make me far more happier than I ever have in my entire life, I'm so blessed to have a best friend, and hopefully still a boyfriend like you in my life. I love you Phil. I fucking love you and I won't survive without you. I won't be able to. I can't fucking do anything without you. You make me who I am. I want to spend my whole life with you. I want to grow old with you. I love you so fucking much Phillip Michael Lester. Please. Please stay."
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