From Death to Life- Book One

Ch. 19- Troubles

"My hand wields the knife that stabs me in the heart. I have my own blood on my hands; the innocence pours red and all that remains in my veins is dark." - unknown

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The lump in my throat grew as the realization that I killed an innocent human being settled in my brain. What did I just do?  I promised myself and Christian that I was not going to hurt anybody else, and yet after giving into Sebastian, I did. Every time I see him, I can't help but lose all control of my mind. Ellie said it wasn't the sire bond, but I think it's something else. I murdered that girl just like Sebastian did to me and I wondered how I could forgive myself for this. Is this what my life is now? Killing innocent people just for the sake of survival?  I was still holding onto Amelia's dead body as I glanced up to see everybody staring at me. 

I couldn't take their gaze on me for one more second so I dropped her body on the ground suddenly and sped out of the bar. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts for one minute and without the loud music in my ears. As I was now outside, I could finally take a deep breath. I felt the cold breeze of Ambrosia sweep my bare legs but I didn't seem bothered by the cold. 

I looked around me and saw that there was no one roaming the streets, I was all alone. At that moment, I felt crimson droplets come out of my eyes and down my cheek as I kept thinking of what I just did minutes ago. That girl had a life and I took it away in a second. I felt my knees grow weak as though I couldn't stand anymore and I spotted a bench at the corner of my eyes. I sat down on the cold bench and covered my face with my hands. 

I can't handle this guilt in my stomach telling me that it is all my fault. And it is because I let Sebastian convince me that I should feed on a human and I drained the girl from all of her blood in her body until she died. I remember the time when I used to read a book before I got turned, and now I can't for the life of me pick up a book. There is so much going on in my head and the problems with Agnes that I can't focus on one word. 

I haven't even slept in days because of the darkness that lingers in my head when I'm asleep. I think I'm going crazy because I saw the girl that looks exactly like me earlier in the hallway of the castle. What I would wish for anything is a good night sleep without the nightmares that follow. My hands fell down to the side as I decided to lay down on the bench and Iooked up at the night sky. 

The sky was beautiful at night with the stars shining brightly which made me put a small smile on my face. I didn't know why but it reminded me of Sebastian's eyes, with the way it has darkness and mystery to them that I didn't understand. And then I remembered the way his hands were wrapped around my waist like we were two puzzle pieces. Why do I keep thinking about him, I don't know, but what I do know is that there is something going on with us. I didn't have to turn my head to see that I heard Sebastian's heavy footsteps approaching me. 

"What are you doing?" Sebastian asked. '

"I'm looking up at the stars, what do you think I'm doing?" I say while still staring up at the night sky. I couldn't look up at him yet because I was still mesmerized by how bright the stars looked tonight. After all that I have done, I feel as though the stars have forgiven me somehow. Knowing that whatever I do, they are always going to be there for me. 

"I think your laying on a bench that is filled with disease." Sebastian told me. I rolled my eyes and turned my head toward him. 

"Oh, bite me." I argued as I looked up at the stars again. 

"I did, twice. And I have to admit that you taste so delicious." he confessed. 

"Gross." I say as I turned my head again and narrowed my eyes at Sebastian. He had his arms crossed over his chest and I could see that his shirt was covered in blood.