Fifteen Layers of Steele

Chapter 2

Back at the house after a long and eventful day at school, I found myself laying on the couch, flipping through suggestions on my Netplix account on my laptop. Everything looked so boring today. They haven't come up with any new good shows in a while. Ever since Weirder Happenings: Season two ended I haven't been able to find anything good enough to keep me entertained until the next season comes out. Another year from now. A whole freaking year. What am I supposed to do with my life until then? Binge watch Aveter: The Last Wind Shifter for the fourth time? I don't think so. If only they would finally invest in a bigger budget to make an actual good movie for it. The Last Wind Shifter? More like The Last Movie I'll Be Watching.

In my intense boredom I found my mind drifting back to the earlier conversation with Kate today. She still hadn't returned home. Majoring in Computer science has kept her quite busy and out late working at school these days. Things have been getting intensely lonely and boring in the house. No wonder I've been left to sit and drift deeper and deeper into the depths of my mind, bringing out all its dark and depressing thoughts. It can't ever just drift into happy and joyful thoughts when left alone now can it? Like, it wouldn't hurt to think of all the delicious cake I was just eating and all the amazing friends I have in my life now would it? Speaking of food and friends, for some reason Kates last words today at lunch kept playing over and over in my head. Almost as if she were here sitting next to me right now, I could hear her saying, "I've known you for a long time, and that's why I can say that sometimes, I think you may be lying to yourself that you've never thought about wanting those things."

It just kept going again and again paying special attention to certain words. "I think you may be lying to yourself that you've never thought about wanting those things." Then it refined itself again. "You may be lying to yourself." An image of Kate enters my mind. It leans in towards me slowly, getting closer and closer to my face, almost making an evil expression. All of a sudden it bursts out in rage, "YOU LIAR!!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAH," I scream as I jump so hard I fall off of the couch, dropping my computer onto the floor with me, nearly breaking it in half. Scurrying to pick up my laptop and checking to see if it had attained any injuries, I plop back up onto the couch and sigh for what seems like the millionth time today. They say that sighing shortens your life span. I guess I'll only be living to about half of the age I was originally supposed to then. Sigh...oh wait. Shit.

Thanking god that my laptop was still okay, I place it beside me on the couch. Leaning back into the pillows and staring up at the ceiling, I begin to think that maybe Kate was right. Maybe that's why her words won't stop playing in my head. The next line she had spoken finally follows, "I just want to be sure that you're not hiding that you feel that way sometimes, just so that you don't make other people worry about you or think that you're not strong."

I guess I really do hide my true feelings sometimes. For me, proving that I am strong has always been one of the most important things. I don't want others to view me as weak because of my phobia. It has always made me feel inferior to them since I get so afraid by such a silly thing as a person laying their hands on me. How is anybody supposed to be seen as strong if they get scared by such harmless things? I could only wonder. When I was a child, I got teased so much for this, the only choice I had was to become strong in every other way that I could. Especially because I didn't want "that person" to ever view me as weak again.

My heart stopped beating momentarily at the thought of them. Sweat began to roll down my forehead and the back of neck, and my body went ice cold and stiff. I felt tears well up in my eyes. As they fell down my cheeks, I quickly brought my hands up to wipe them before they managed to come completely down. Extreme anger now instead boiling within me. My body regained movement and heat was flowing once more. I can't believe that I thought about "that person" again. More than that, that I let the thought of them cause me to go into a panic like that. The thought of them still affects me so badly even to this day. The frustration at this made me shake with rage. I was just thinking about how they were the last human on Earth that I wanted to view me as weak, and yet the thought of them just now put me into that weak, defenseless state, just as they always had done to me. I wanted to cry at the thought that they still obtained so much power over me, despite not even being present. On the other hand, I knew that I couldn't cry because that showed weakness. No longer should I let them get to me like that anymore.