Fifteen Layers of Steele

Chapter 9

Returning back home after one hell of an hour, I found myself in the bathroom ready for a hot shower to wash away the days stresses. Undressing, just before hopping in, I noticed the faint marks leftover on my left wrist. "Gasp," the lids of my eyes lifted up as my eyes bulged out at the sight. Oh my god! I completely forgot about my marking! My promise! I broke it! What have I done!? Totally neglecting the shower I was just about to get in to, I sat down on the floor and leaned against the sink cabinet beside it. Holding my left wrist up with my right hand, I just kept staring at the shadow of the carved tattoo that still remained. I thought about my stepfather and allowed myself to be upset by it. The tattoo was a promise to myself that I wouldn't let it happen, and I broke it. I couldn't keep the promise. I went against the rules and let myself down. I'm so stupid, stupid, stupid! Shutting my eyes close tight, I was on the verge of tears again. Then, another thought occurred to me. Wait. That's it! That's the point! I can think about my stepfather, but I just can't let him get to me anymore. To do that, I have to learn to be able to think about it while also accepting that it once happened... but isn't happening now, just like Christian said! If I can think that it's not happening right now, then there's no reason to freeze up and panic as if I was living through the moment once again. Also, if I can forgive him for what happened, there's no reason to feel that anger anymore. If I can do those two things, then I can think about him whenever I want and it will never affect me! It makes sense! That's how I can stop letting him win! He can't win if he can't get into my mind anymore! Hah!

Having this realization uplifted and gave me hope. That hope felt unearned though as I continued to look at the scars that were almost gone. I still went against my word and couldn't prevent myself from being shaken by thought of him earlier. This finding was discovered too late. I had already failed. As my vision zoomed in further into the small facets of the faded lines, another realization occurred to me. Hold on here. The lines. They aren't gone yet. The tattoo hasn't sank inside of me and become written in stone yet. Oh my gosh!! With sheer excitement I burst upward onto my feet, still holding onto and staring at my wrist with an ecstatic smile. That means there's still time left! Until the lines are gone, I have time to accept and forgive him! I haven't failed yet!! Ah ha, ha~! Becoming conscious of this fact I did a little dance while giggling and shouting in happiness. Although I knew that the sentiment made me seem absolutely crazy, I couldn't help but to create such a meaning to make myself feel better about my failure. Stopping and grounding myself for a minute, I had to think of a game plan. Okay. But that doesn't leave much time. How can I manage to do this for sure?

Sticking my hands in my pockets, deep in thought, my fingers ran against something on the right side. Pulling it out, it was the pendant Kate gave to me. Placing it in the center of my palm, I gazed at its glory. It sparkled with an extra radiance today. With the blink of an eye, a line of rainbow light shined and zoomed down from the top of the butterfly to the bottom. What the hell was that? Looking around the room frantically, I couldn't see anything that would have caused this phenomenon. What in the world? Where did it come from?

Puzzled, I stuck it back into my pocket, feeling that it must have just been a trick of the light. That sure was beautiful. I could really go for seeing something else amazing like that right now to make me believe in magic again. Hmmm..., I thought hard for a moment. I know! The lookout nearby! The view is amazing at night. Alone time, and a beautiful view. That sounds exactly like what I need to get my thoughts in order right now.

Running out to the living room I grab my coat and purse from the coat rack by the front door. While putting my coat on, I caught a glimpse of the tattoo one more time. A small piece of it stained red from the blood underneath. You know. Thinking about it, I kind of broke my last promise to myself as well. When I drew this on me the last time I swore that I would never cut myself again. Although I kept my word and didn't cut for self-harm ever again, I did technically cut myself with a knife in order to perform this ritual once more. Kind of counts right? Stopping to grab a pen from the kitchen drawer before I left as well, I stuck it along with a small notebook into my left pocket. With a click of my heels, I headed out the door.