You Are Everything (Completed)

Saying Goodbye

What the Hell do I do now? My new found foundation is shaking. I feel the warm hand in mine, and it's shaking too. If nothing else, I can't falter. The hand I'm holding needs my hand to be strong. I have to lift her up, but honestly, I need to be lifted up too. My heart hurts just looking at the memorial in front of me. The tumor, damn tumor, pushed Kathy's heart and gave her a heart attack. The doctors still aren't sure what happened or why. They wanted to do an autopsy, but Laurel decided against it. It won't bring our Eomma back. It won't even really answer any of our questions. I look to my side, at Laurel, the hand in my hand. I'll be here for her, but I don't know who will be here for me?

Ji Yong squeezes my shoulder on my other side and whispers,"It's ok, we've got you."
How does he always know?
I give a weak smile and look over at him and passed to my other members. They're all here for me, for Kathy. She would be happy to know we're all here for her. Especially Ji, I may not have been her, "favorite member," but who cares. I was the closest one.

The priest clears his throat, and positions himself to the side of Kathy's portrait, "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank you all for coming to this memorial service today."
He rattles on and on. Talking about how great she was, what a good mother she was, blah blah blah. The usual funeral speeches from a typical clergy member. She was better than this. She would NOT like this stuffy old man rambling about a woman he barely knew.

I release  Laurel's hand with a quick squeeze and stand up. I reach the front in two quick strides. The priest, seeing me approach, stops, and just blinks...
"Thank you Father that was lovely," I pat his shoulder and gesture for him to have a seat.
His saggy and confused face turns pink as he bows to the guests and shuffles away, mumbling under his breath.

I bow and take a deep breath. Squaring my shoulders, I look Laurel in the eye. She looks at me with puzzled eyes, but then gives me a slight smile and nod.
"Yeoboseyo, I'm Seungri, and Kathy is very important to me." I clear my throat a bit," I say is, because she always will be. There is no was about it. She is not someone easily forgotten, and I certainly will never forget."
I feel the sting behind my eyes, but I can't cry now. I have to tell everyone here who she is to me first.
"I met Kathy in, not the best of situations. She was my rehab councillor, who became my friend. She was a friend who became a close friend. She was a close friend who became a second mother. She showed me that I can be more than a stage personality. That I can be a good man, and not just a bad boy."
I choke. She really has made me a good man. I hope she knows that she is a big part of that.
I swipe my eyes and try again.
"Kathy asked me once what my ultimate goal is, and at the time I had no clue."
I glance at her portrait, and then at my members, before my eyes land on Laurel again. She gives me a sweet smile as she wipes her tears away with her tissue. I take courage from that smile, and continue.
"My ultimate goal is to be more like her. To help when and where I can. To be a good listener. To have a heart that is utterly and completely accepting. To love people right where they are. I want to be that kind of person, and I will be because she helped me to learn how. She helped me by showing me who I can be. I will always be grateful." I turn and bow to her portrait. My eyes let tears flow, but I swipe my eyes again. I straighten and nod to Ji Yong. He comes to the front and stands beside me.

Ji Yong leads off for, "Last Dance," and one by one my hyungs come up and join us. This was one of Kathy's favorites, and perfect to tell her goodbye. We sing it acapella. Just pure harmony, and only our voices. I'm sure she's listening, and I'm sure she loves it.

Almost as if she's right beside me and hears my thoughts...I smell coffee and cinnamon. I smile to myself and think, "Christmas office." That's when I know she's ok. I know she's still with us. I almost laugh at the thought that she would let me know she's alright by the smell of coffee and cinnamon. She always does make me laugh.

We complete the song and there is not one dry eye in the room. We take our seats, and the director of services, finishes up before dismissing us. Everyone files out but Laurel and I. My hyungs drift out after everyone else, but still hang around the lobby. They wanted to give us a moment I'm sure.

I put my arm around Laurel. She snuggles into my shoulder and whispers, "Thank you."
I rub her shoulder, "Let's get you home."
She nods, "Ok. I need to do some things at home anyway. Keep my mind busy."
I kiss the top of her head.
"I know how to keep your mind busy, and hands too."
I stand up and offer her my hand. She takes it and stands with me.
"Let's go pack your stuff. My home is your home now."
"W-what?" She stammers.
I nod, "I told Eomma I would take care of you, and I'm going to."
I start to lead her out, and she drags her feet making me look back.
"Ri, what are you talking about?"
I sigh, "I'm talking about you living with me. It's fast, but I love you. I want to take care of you. I don't want you living in that apartment alone. I want you with me. Can you do that?"
She blinks, looks at my hand holding hers, smiles and says, "I love you too. I can do that."
She gives me a quick peck, "And thank you."
"For what?"
She grins, "For loving me and Eomma."
I wrap her in a hug, "Of course, how could I not?"