Purity And Cowardice #Wattys2018

15- I will not say Goodbye

I didn't sleep well at night.

I kept tossing and turning around, I refused to keep crying.

Ironically, I remembered all the sleepless nights I had here in Paris, at me and nanny's old apartment.

Me, trying to figure a way out of our misery while checking every two hours or so, at the sleeping form of my grandmother, making sure she was still alive and breathing, despite the cold winter nights and the hot summer ones.

Her illness was a constant reminder for me to keep working and keep pushing, even if I was tired, sick or in pain. I don't regret anything I've been through though. It made me who I was today.

I got up from the bed and tiptoed to nanny's bedroom.

She was sound asleep, her snoring that irritated me before, was a welcoming melody tonight.

I sat next to her sleeping form, at the edge of the bed. She was very beautiful when she was young, but age and sickness did her wrong. She stirred and opened her eyes.

I turned on the lamp on her bedside table as she requested.

"Did I wake you up?" I whispered, apologetically.

"No, honey no. When did you come back?" she asked as she sat up.

"A while ago. I couldn't sleep." I let out and leaned down, making myself comfortable at her side.

"What is it dear? What's keeping you from sleeping, or should I ask who?" she said, taking me off guard.

"Nanny." I gaped at her, speechless.

"Come on, give your old lady some good news." she nudged my side and I laughed.

"I'm not...we're not...you know?" I stuttered and looked the other way, blushing.

"Is that so?" she mused and caressed my hair.

"I, just, don't think I have the time to be involved with anybody right now." I breathed out.

She kept caressing my hair and I relaxed.

"You know, the company I'm managing and the projects I'm investing in, it's all overwhelming. I've never had a break. From studying hard in high school to studying harder at the university. All the part-time jobs and hours lost in the library. If it weren't for Izzy, I would've never had a friend or something called a private life. It's all new to me nanny, do you understand? and now, all I can think about is my mother and admittedly my father too." I finished my tirade, noticing how she flinched when I brought out my father's subject.

"But then again, I say to myself, is it all worth it? let's say I uncover the truth. What if it's something unbearable? What if I regret finding out about it right away? Would I be able to move on?" I sputtered.

"But, you'll be able to find your peace." Nanny started and I wiped away my tears, looking at her intently.

"The truth isn't always good or fair. But it stops our curious minds from wandering all over the place. At least then, we'll be able to mourn in peace." I nodded, understanding.

"With that being said, it's your choice."

My eyes jerked up to meet hers, confusion was written all over my face.

"I've already accepted my daughter's fate and forgave whoever did that to her. I might join her soon-" I cut her off and kept shaking my head.

"You're not going anywhere," I said firmly.

"It's inevitable honey. Whether we like it or not. It's how the world works. So when the time comes, I don't want you to cry a lot okay?" she tried to comfort me but her words made me cry.