Shrinking Violet

chapter 3- Committing

The next day I wake up with a throbbing headache.

My mouth tastes like the laxative tea I had yesterday

and my stomach feels like something crawled inside me and died there

I groan

I'm so done with binging

I think to myself for the millionth time

I get up and open my laptop, click click click, till about a trillion pictures of stick-figure girls pop up

The LED light shines on my face and my eyes adjust to the brightness as I scroll down

the pictures are seemingly endless.

One after another. Perfect people. Perfect figures. Perfect.

I look down at my giant thighs and groan again.

Checking my watch it reads 5:00 am

My mind wakes me up at the stupidest times.

I get undressed and step on the scale.

the light flashes a couple times then settles on 165.8

Fuck

I knew I would gain after last night's episode.

I pinch my arm hard.

I put on some old clothes, making sure they cover everything. I can't stand myself at the moment.

I lie down on the floor and start to crunches till my neck hurts and my whole body is sweating.

Next i jump in the shower and try to avoid looking at my  body.

I scrub and scrub till it hurts. It's what It deserve.

I apply my makeup quickly, avoiding looking at myself for more then a couple seconds at a time.

I brush my hair and take a quick glance... UGLY

I sigh and get dressed.

I chug a bottle of water and take my morning diet pill after my other medications. One to help me not kill myself, one to calm me down, I don't even know what the other one does, but in it goes.

"Please make me thin" I say as I pop it in my mouth and wash it down with the remaining water.

Then I turn up some music and sit back down staring at the screen, staring at the spines and collar bones and sharp edges till it all blurs together.
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School. Sucks.

What else is there to say
No one likes me here and I don't like anyone either

I snap the rubber band on my wrist and my leg bobs up and down anxiously under my desk

My teacher drones on and on about algebra or something. It doesn't matter.
I'm thinking about how many calories there is in the gum my friend just handed me.

5 calories

Should I eat it?
It will probably suppress my hunger right?
But if not then that's 5 more calories on top of whatever else I have...

I give in finally and slowly open the wrapper, sneakily slipping it onto my tongue.

The sugar coated acid fills my mouth and my eyes roll up.
Mmmmmmm

The bell rings and I jump up in my seat.
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I've decided I'm not going to binge anymore.

I swear

Right now I'm throwing out all the junk food in my house. My parents don't eat it anyway.

I take a deep breath and throw out chips and Oreos and other calorie filled gooey vegan junk.

No more.

I go to the store and buy rice cakes and fruits and veggies and low calorie juice

I walk there and back, carrying two giant bags should burn even more calories .

My mind feels broken as I shove a rice cake covered in low cal jam into my mouth for dinner.

Better than binging.

I need to be thin...

I need to disappear....