Shrinking Violet

Chapter 4 - restricting at its finest

"Some people who are obsessed with food become gourmet chefs. Others become eating disorders."
-Marya Hornbacher , Wasted.
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It's amazing how good it feels to say no.

It's like having a super power

You can control things with only your mind and words

"Would you like a cookie?"
-no

"Do you want lunch?
-no

"Please eat something"
-NO

"Don't you want to live?"
-n.o.

It's liberating
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2 weeks in and I've lost 15 pounds

I could cry

150 lbs

Still a whale but maybe not a blue whale, maybe like a fin whale. Second largest. Somewhat better...

But this was the easy part.
2 weeks was not much. I could gain back those pound in a couple days of feverish binging.

But I won't.
I refuse to.

No one has noticed my weight loss
I don't blame them.
I was fat to begin with so it's gonna take some time to actually see a difference.

Or been filling up in fruits and veggies and rice cakes. My mind is numbing over as well
And as awful as it is , it's also equally exhilarating.

It feels amazing to hear my stomach growl, to feel the emptiness , the cool water going down my throat and reaching my stomach. Empty.

I'm sick

And I know it

But it doesn't show

So maybe when I'm a stick
People will notice...
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It's Monday and I have gym class 1st period.
Worst schedule ever.

I put on my usual leggings, every few steps I have to pull them up

I smile to myself

The gym class consists of me holding up my pants and avoiding any contact with the basketball that is flying around the perimeter.

I blend into the walls with my friend
We talk about how much we hate our gym coach. Usual conversation.

I pull my waistband for the millionth time that period

She glances over.

"Too big?"
She questions

"Yup!" I start , trying not to sound excited about it.

She smiles a lopsided smile,
"maybe they got stretched out" she states

"Maybe"
This time I'm not hiding the annoyed tone of my voice.

Stretched out my ass.
It's exactly my ass that got smaller , that's why they are falling. I grit my teeth.

I'll show her. I'll show everyone.

Soon I'll be fitting both my legs into one pant leg of these leggings.

I dig my fingernails into my thighs and zone out as she talks about her boyfriend the rest of the class.

I'm gonna make this body disappear.

I slide farther into the corner of the walls.
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148
This week wasn't so good.
I ate too much and I had a binge day

But I still lost

But is t enough?
Not that it's ever enough...

I step off the scale and step back on about 5 times.

148.2
148.4
147.8
148.0
148.1

Sigh

Restricting is such a gambling game.