Shrinking Violet

Chapter 7 - Slowly deteriorating

On Thursday he walked up to me.

My friend's ex.

I gave him an evil glare and ignored him.

She wasn't here today and I was sitting alone at our usual lunch table, a bottle of water and some baby carrots in front of me. 

"Hey Violet"

I had headphones in. I pretended I didn't hear him through the podcast about bigfoot I was listening to.

He sat down next to me.

I paused the podcast and took out one ear bud.

"Do you need something?" I asked annoyed.

"Just thought I'd see how you're doing" He glanced down at my phone and laughed.

"Is that the Wayne Brother's Mythical Creatures podcast?"

I nodded.

"I didn't know you listened to them, they are hilarious"

I didn't know you couldn't take a hint. I thought in my head as I inched away from him on the bench.

Fucking asshole.

Why was he pretending like we were still friends.

After all the crap he put me and my friend through. 

I looked at him suspiciously as he pulled out his phone and showed me his favorite podcasts.

"Seriously dude. Do you need something?"

He stopped smiling and looked up at me seriously.

"Honestly. I wanna apologize for the past few months."

I didn't change my look of irritation besides raising one eyebrow. The right one. I couldn't raise the other one.

"Swear on my little brothers life." he raised his hand and put the other over his chest.

I couldn't suppress a laugh. "jeez that's hardcore".

He smiled.

"Thanks for apologizing. I guess". 

"So..."

"So?"

"You wanna be friends again?"

I stared at him. Confused. 

"I don't know... I don't think Melissa will like that very much. I don't even know if I'd like that"

"Oh come one! I talked to Melissa yesterday. We're on good terms."

I squinted.

"Promise! Look", he opened up his snapchat, I saw her username. He opened the messages. I just saw a bunch of memes and loll's dated yesterday. 

"I'll have to talk to her about this".

He laughed "Alright, fair enough. But why don't you unblock me from snap so when she tells you what's good we can talk. Plus I might have some questions about Spanish homework."

"Why don't you just ask me right now?"

"Nah. I'll text you later about it". He grinned

I rolled my eyes and added unblocked his snap.

His bitmoji winked at me from my screen and I felt a weird pit in my stomach, but I ignored it.

"Well I'll text you later" He got up and waved at me. "By the way. You look really good Violet."

Then he turned and left

I felt like I was having a weird dream/nightmare.

I rubbed my temples and un paused the podcast.

I munched on my carrots and doodled pictures of food in my notebook as I pondered what just happened.

---------------------------------------------------------

I woke up Saturday with a killer headache. I felt dizzy and dehydrated. 

Fuck. 

The clock on my bedside table flashed 6 am.

Fuck.

My body had been waking up at stupid hours of the morning and night since I'd been restricting for a while. 

My body felt weak.

My body felt like it belonged to someone else now. 

I didn't get up.

I tried to fall back asleep.

My brain told me to go for a jog.

I sighed to myself and got up.

I slowly put on a sports bra and  t-shirt. My collar bones were finally becoming bony and protruding.

As I pulled on the smaller size leggings I had bought last week I ripped off the tag and stared at the forming gap between my thighs. 

I yawned as I tied my hair into a pony tail, the hair tie was almost halfway down my arm when I pulled it off. 

I gulped some water down and took my medication.

The rest was pure motor memory. I don't remember leaving the house or beginning my jog. I didn't remember how I ended up at the playground near my old elementary school or why I had sat down in one of the swings.

I don't remember crying, but my face was wet when I came back to presence. 

I could hear the creak of the chains on the old swing set. But I also heard a voice.

It was distant and breathy. It sounded like the wind was speaking. It wasn't even windy so that made it even weirder.

It spoke. In a soft tone.

"Nothing"

"You are nothing"

"You will always be nothing"

"So become nothing"

"Satisfaction will never come"

"As long as you hold onto that mortal flesh and blood you will never be satisfied"

"Until you are bones in the earth, worms decomposing you, soil covering you whole. You will never feel complete"

"Complete the cycle"

"Give yourself back to the earth".

It sounded sweet and gentle 

but the things it was saying did not.

I guess I'm going insane now...

I wiped the tears from my face and got up to begin the jog back home.

Behind me the swing kept creaking back and forth.

Back and forth.