Shrinking Violet

Chapter 1-Welcome to my shitty life

My name is Violet

Yes like the flower.

And like the nature of the violet symbolizes,

I am withdrawn and unnoticed.

When I was 8 years old I developed an allergy towards the very flower I was named after,

Ironically this is probably around the time I started being allergic to myself.

And by that I mean, I began to hate myself more than life itself.

Just a little background on my situation,

I'm your typical introverted high school girl with an uncountable amount of mental illnesses

one of which is an eating disorder.

I know what you're picturing right now

I waif-like, pale-skinned, petite little thing, with big doe eyes and legs the size of toothpicks.

Sorry to burst your socially deluded bubble but that's not the case

I don't weigh 80 lbs and I don't look like Nicole Richie or the Olsen twins

I'm 5 foot 6 and weigh 165 pounds
Far from a stick figure

I'm bulky and shaped like a muffin on steroids

And yet I suffer from all of the following habits:

-restricting food
-overexercising
-vomiting on purpose (aka purging)
-binge eating (this one is expected huh?)
-fasting for days at a time

And yet I'm overweight and full of blubber

I'm basically an elephant seal

It's amazing how no one seems to notice you are starving yourself when you aren't shaped like a telephone pole.

My whole life has been a series of vanishing acts
I'm probably better than Houdini

No one ever notices the dark circles under my eyes
Or the popped blood vessels in my eyes from too much puking
No one notices the way I sway when I walk or the way my hands shake when I lift my cup of purely black coffee

No one notices how my teeth start to chatter when the temperature goes slightly below room.
I've been marked absent in classes where I sit in the front row
And I've been reported missing on field trips in which I stood right next to the teacher

People only seem to notice me when I'm of some use to them and then POOF I disappear

(If only I could do the same with the body I see in the mirror ).

And I guess I wouldn't expect them to notice ,
I'm not very unique and I'm not very striking

But it's just kinda funny,
How very little anyone cares

It's my life story I suppose.

I was probably born to be a stapler or a tumble weed, or some sort of trinket no one ever buys
Instead I was placed in a human body.

Even my parents hate me.

I was born and they decided I was worthless
Absolutely worthless

But I don't want to think about that right now

I need to do crunches right now
About a thousand of them

To work of that apple I had earlier

Even though I'll end up eating a bag of chips I spotted in the cupboard this morning.

Sweat mixes with tears while I do my workout

It's all so pointless