Shrinking Violet

Chapter 6 - on my way to success ... or something

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I'm working so hard
I've lost so much and yet I feel so fat

Its never enough

My stomach has shrunk, but not enough.

The school days seem to pass by in a blurr.

I don't even know what subject I'm in at any given time. Its all the same.

The class in my head is on how to get thin, there is no math or history. The only bones I'm focused on are my own and the only numbers I care about are the calories that I consume.

My vision gets blurry when I stand a lot of the time.

But that's okay.

Because I can see the difference in my body.

"you've lost weight Violet" my friend commented on Monday.

"Have I? I haven't noticed", I yawned and rubbed my eyes.

"How could you not have noticed?? You've gone down at least 2 or 3 sizes. Are you doing okay?"

"I'm fine", I said as my hands shook in my lap.

"Alright... well do you wanna get some food after school?"

"No" I responded before she even finished the sentence.

"Oh... what about coffee?..."

I paused for a second and thought about what I had yesterday.

2 Apples, a slice of avocado toast, 10 almonds, and some cucumbers.

"Sure. Coffee sounds good. I need a pick me up."

She just nodded her head and we headed towards our next class.

Spanish I think?

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It took me half the class period to realize I was not in fact in Spanish but in Chemistry.

Honestly the elements sound like a different language to me sometimes. 

My friend kept staring at me and nudging me when I was doodling more than taking notes.

The rest of the day passed by fast. I only had water and some strawberries during lunch. The carrots I packed were out now that I was going to get some sugary Starbucks brand coffee to appease my friend.

As we walked towards the local Starbucks I was mentally going through the list of vegan low calorie drinks in my head trying to decide which one wouldn't seem suspicious or taste gross and still be of no concern for my calorie limit.

My friend didn't say a word. 

Which is very uncommon for her. She is a total blabber mouth.

Sitting in the cozy chairs in the corner she drank her caramel frappe while I sipped on a iced coffee with almond milk and a touch of sweetener. 

Right in my view sat two other girls. They were both dressed similarly, cropped shirts and ripped jeans. Their flat stomachs out. One had her belly button pierced. Their legs seemed to go on for days and they were as thin as branches. They looked like fucking fairies. 
I must have been going kind of delusional because it almost seemed like one of them was floating when she got up to throw out her empty cup. 

Her hair swayed back and forth in a high ponytail and her lips sparkled with lip-gloss. 

I felt sick.

I still couldn't wear what I wanted. I still looked like a giant blob. My mind seemed to turn to mush and when I looked down my limbs were blurry and my body seemed like it wasn't real.

"Violet.Violet"

I looked up at my friend.

"Are you even listening to me?"

"Sorry I was just thinking about...midterms."

She eyed me down and I could tell she didn't buy that excuse for a second.

Cut me some slack its hard to come up with something better when you are running on some cucumber slices from last night.

"You're acting weird lately." She stared at me and swirled her straw in her drink.

I shrugged

"Maybe you should start seeing your therapist again."

I furrowed my brow.

"Why. I'm fine. I have my meds"

"I don't know... you seem sadder than usual, if that's possible. You lost your appetite too. That's signs of depression right? Maybe the medication isn't enough..."

"I'm fine".

"At least go for a checkup. Please."

"Fine."

She called the office for me and typed in the scheduled date on my phone calendar. 

I put on a show for her after that and finally she started talking about her usual boyfriend troubles and school gossip.

I pretended to listen as I deleted "Psych appointment" from my reminders.