black // sequel to white // remington leith

five

cute, i've been really absent 

willow

"i don't think you understand" although i didn't turn to look who it was, it was pretty easy to tell it was remington. what did he want? i hurt him, that was enough to tell him to stay very far from me and my troubles.

"i don't think you understand." i emphasize the you to prove my point. i don't want to turn around because i know at the sight of his baggy eyes i will fall in love again, i can't fall in love with him again, not to hurt him once more.

"then prove to me that you're good because you're not bad and you never were for running away, you ran away because you were scared of a future of devotion but we can go through it together, i know you love me just as much as i love you, there is no way to hide how you feel willow." 

everything he said was true which i hated. i hated how he knew more than me right now, i felt vulnerable. i wanted to be able to say i had moved on or i'd gotten someone new but the pointless sex i had wasn't "finding someone new," nothing close. 

i finally turn around because i think now is a good time to face him, tell him the facts to his face. i cross my arms over my chest as a breeze comes by, it's spring so the weather is manageable but this slight wind manages to make me cold. 

"remington, i hurt you. fuck i hurt you so bad! what makes you think that i've changed?" i want to laugh at how stupid his thoughts are right now. if it was me, i wouldn't think twice about throwing me to the dirt.

he comes close to me, now i can't tell if i am shivering from the slight coolness of early march or if it's from the fact he's extremely close to me.

he puts his hand on my cheek. "because i love you, i loved you, i still love you, i forever will love you and i am positive i can't move on. so it makes me a fool for running back to someone who hurt me, i will find out soon enough if i am making a mistake or making things better for myself, i can't live without you." my heart hurts, my mind starts to rack the reasons as to why it's now.

why am i seeing him again now? why am did i hear his song to today in the store? why is everything sending him back to me? why right now when i thought my life was going back to the way it should be? i star to think of winter and how i could hardly leave the room, scared of who i'd find from my past.

i finally shake my head, i move my face to get rid of his warm hand resting on the side of it, the touch is familiar and when it's gone i ache for it back on my cold cheek. "talk to me willow, don't run away because it's not solving things." he sounds like he's getting angry at me, this is how i want it. i need to see him mad at me to confirm that i should blame myself for all of this.

"i can't talk! that's my issue! i don't know how to fix what's broken, fuck i never could! did i visit my family once when we were together? no! i can't fix anything, i hurt whatever i touch and i can't keep promises." i want to point out all the bad in me but the list is too long.

"willow... i am willing to start over, let's start from the beginning, like we were never anything." he is trying to grab my hand, it takes a lot to move my hand away from the hand i know brings me more comfort than anything else in this sick world. 

"let's start over, i don't want the grudge anymore but this doesn't mean we are seeing each other ever again, it's just a new start. maybe it's what i need for a new future. i did something wrong, i lost the person i loved the most, i still love you granted, but i can't deal with the fact that i ruined what was good. i need the punishment." i nod my head at what i think is a logical reason to not fall into a sick game called love but remington takes these words as a hurtful thing.

i see the sad expression fall on his face, i nearly want to say let's go on a date, but i stop myself. i shake my head just to remind myself that i've had this whole conversation scripted in my head for years when i finally decide to turn on my other phone to call him. i can't fix what i've broken and i don't plan on doing it.

i turn now, i rush off and when i don't hear remington trying to run after me i stop. i turn down the alleyway nearby i am but i don't go deep into it just staying near the exit towards the other millions of buildings.

"hey." a voice says. i look up to see justin. he was my dealer for a little when drugs were my escape but i got off of it, hardly but i am making it with just the cigarettes i smoke. i take one out at the thought of a smoke, i light it quickly with my shaking hands. they're shaking because i am anxious.

"hey." i mumble once i've had a drag. "what you running from darling?" he asks me. i don't mind his pet names for me because i would never go further than maybe a drunk kiss with him, he knows this. i can say we both have respect for each other in different ways.

"a boy." i mumble again because i am not in the mood to vent to my old dealer about this kind of thing. he narrows his eyes now looking at me through his lashes. i turn on my side to face him. "i don't know what i am doing wrong and what i am doing right anymore." i sigh tapping the ashes down to my shoes.

i've known justin for the few years i've been living here, i knew he lived over in these areas, i guess my brain was telling me i needed someone who wouldn't remember most of this conversation the next day but regardless would give me some kind of advice.

i was probably closest with justin and his gang when it comes to friends, i had james and joey, i swear i don't mean to get involved with boys who start with a j, but they were more so just my roommates. 

"what's happened?" he takes out a cigarette of his own now telling me he's got the time to take a listen to my series of uncertain events. "i guess it doesn't matter, you'll think it's just drama." 

"sure, i think everything when it comes to love is drama, love is a shit lie." he chuckles now taking a swig of a beer in his other hand. i am cold but he's in no shirt and some low-hanging grey sweatpants, he plays it off as a flirt being a model with a fit body but i know more dark secrets about him then i know of any other.

"just talk." he rolls his eyes as i can tell i am biting my lip in worry.

"fine."

"there is this boy, remington, i was supposed to get married to him which sounds like a lot since i am not too old but we really loved each other and all, i ran away because i am scared of love, of commitment, whatever you want to call it. i left him at the altar. i still love him, i'm scared of how much i love him still, anyways, i just saw him in a club, we were talking and he wants to fix what's been broken but i am stubborn and told him no, i just don't know where to go now or what to do, i love him so so much and there is no one else but i can't stand the thought of hurting someone who meant that much to me."

 "you trust me will?" he asks now as he leans on his shoulder so he is facing me now instead of the brick wall in front of us by a few feet.

justin was like my therapist, sure his sessions of therapy was a drug relief but most of the time he was actually logically thinking, he had good ways of directing me into the right things, he was the one person i truly trusted with things i needed feedback on.

"you know the answer to that, you're the reason i do half of the stuff i do." i remind him of his importance. he smiles down at his shoes which are just some beat up vans. 

"then i think you should follow your heart, if you really love him then you're wasting time trying to convince yourself you don't. love is something i find to be shit but when you find someone who makes you actually feel things, well that's gold, you love him. don't waste time trying to think otherwise."

i let those words linger in the silent air only being disturbed by horns honking or the sound of shoes hitting the floor, this goes on for a good five minutes before i feel tears fall down my cheeks. justin brings me into his arms, although i hate being pitied or comforted for that matter, i take the comfort i am getting gratefully.  

when i finally do reply, i am unsure if my words make sense or even form a sentence but them come out regardless; 

"i'm scared."