black // sequel to white // remington leith

three

sorry for the lack, it was my birthday and i got to see some friends and family so i got backed up but we are back. 

willow

the uber comes to a stop in front of the club that joey is always trying to get me to come out to but i constantly refuse as i am not one for this whole scene. my night will consist of me standing off to the distance as the others enjoy themselves.

sure i can dance, quite well actually, but grinding against someone is only something i can do while really intoxicated or on something which i going to try and stay away from tonight. i don't need it, that's all i need to tell myself. 

or convince myself. i can't quite tell where my mind is right now with this whole thing but i do want to go home, part of me thinks i can escape early since they will be so busy, i know i can and i probably will.

we get inside the club easily, too easy, the bouncer at the door didn't bother to ask for my id, i can't tell if it's simply because i look so worn out and tired that i've aged from that alone or if it's the fact that minimum amount of girls are inside the club.

the other two i am with split off almost instantly leaving me to shift uncomfortably on my feet as i make my way over to the a seat near the back of the bar. i take a seat in the wooden chair that is right by one of the few tables that line the back of the club.

i take this time to scan the people dancing, all of them are drunk on the dancefloor for if you're not drunk then you're at the bar getting to that point. i wish i was able to let loose a little, it would be nice to have nearly as much fun as the people grinding against each other.

my heart hurts in my chest because i know there is only one person that i'd really want to do that with, he hates me though. i am sure does.

i start to reminisce the time with angela, all of a sudden i feel the need to get drunk off my mind. i need to get these things out of my brain, i don't know why they bother to come back now in a time where i thought i was getting rid of all the memories i've had of the friends i loved dearly.

not that i don't love joey or even james for the matter, i just don't feel a connection like i felt with the others. sometimes i wish i'd never ran away but i know that it was best i'd gotten my head straight, that i alerted remington of who i really am - i am just a girl who is lost in the world.

i don't think i'll ever feel whole again unless remington were to come back. i can't put my finger on why today he seems to be clouding my mind until i fish out my new phone, the one that no one knows the number to really. 

the alert on it makes me want to vomit, it makes me want to vomit, then cry, then vomit again. 

in perfect digital text, my screen reads; 6 YEARS.

i can't handle it anymore. i get up from my spot feeling tears clouding up my vision because fuck, i know i've messed up. i know i've messed up big time.

all of a sudden i feel the need to no longer be clean for the three weeks i have been. i need a drug, i need some kind of substance. most of all i need to feel control over something since i can't seem to control my feelings or thoughts anymore.

i get to the ladies room, i am glad to see it's vacant, in this moment i wouldn't care really as i push through to get to the back stall. i get there kicking open the stall with my foot because i can't bring my hands away from my face that is now being drowned from my tears.

i lock the door with the common bathroom lock and i get down to my knees. i've eaten little today as it was really only sparing myself some pasta for lunch, it was something my manager had gotten me because i wasn't 'looking too good' but now i was leaned over the toilet throwing it up.

i only had one answer to this behaviour and it was simple; i craved control. i needed some kind of control, this seemed to be the only way i'd get it right now.

i know there is no more in my system when i feel empty. it's the only feeling i feel. i move away from the toilet and, despite the dirtiness of it, i sit on the floor in the corner of the large stall. i feel the tears come as i try to keep my sobs quiet. i can no longer handle my volume as i start to hiccup over my sobs and cries. i want remington and angela and emerson. i want that stupid bike we used to ride everyday and i wanted that marriage i walked away from. i didn't care if i was young.

i was foolish.

i get up off of the floor after a few more minutes have passed and i feel i am somewhat stable, i tell myself to get drunk and forget it all but then i remind myself of how much calories are in the one drink, i gag at the thought of it now changing my mind on the drink i wanted.

sure i could act drunk but i feel bitter and can hardly deal with reality now. so i lead myself back out to the open club area just to go back to the seat before. i take a seat in it zoning out as my eyes rest upon james and joey.

they're happy. they've got it all with each other, i start to envy it. i start to envy how they're going to get married one day and live off in los angeles, i envy how they're going to adopt a child and a dog and another child.

how their life will be perfect. i'd visit, maybe come off as an aunt to their children but i will never really be in a place where i can have that, simply because my heart and brain knows what it wants. what it wants is a chance with the boy i ruined. 

i don't deserve that other chance with him though and even if he were to step back into my life, i'd direct him another direction. he deserves someone new, someone better, someone who can control things better than me. i am not what he deserves.

"may i tell you something?" a voice booms, i look away from the dance floor leaving my thoughts with my previous gazing spot as i look towards a boy.