black // sequel to white // remington leith

two

ahh i didn't mean to publish this yet but whatever, it's unedited sorry if it sucks. also this book is a bit rubbish rn.

should i delete boom boom room? or just post the rest and leave it as it is rn.

willow

i got home fairly early so my roommate wasn't back yet which i hated. being alone meant quiet and when it was quiet my mind got to take over leaving me to think about all the dark things i had. i really need to get another hobby aside from work.

i open the door to my apartment and step into the light room, the walls are painted a light grey making it feel much larger than it was for a new york city studio apartment in which i shared a bed with a gay roommate. not that i minded, it was working.

i walk into the only bedroom which is quite a mess from pieces of writing and paintings i had started scattered around. i had grown to love the mess along with disorder now, nothing is perfect which is exactly what the bedroom, shared of course, displayed.

my old phone was sat on the edge of the single dresser we had in the room. it'd been awhile since i turned on that phone, partly for the reason i knew it'd be flooded with messages from the past. i had grown to keep it away and not think of it but now my mind was flooding with my old friends. mostly remington.

i didn't realize i was crying until a hot tear fell in the palm of my hand. i was frustrated that i let myself get upset over this again. i told myself i'd move on, surely i was trying, but it was like i was bringing myself back to stage one after hearing some stupid song on the radio.

i walk over to the mac sitting on the bed. it's flipped over since my roommate is sure that it'd set the whole building on fire if it was resting against the big comforter and light, pure white sheets along with knit blankets.

i pick it up. i'm not one to use the computer let alone any internet access, not recently for the fear that i will get found by an old friend or something. i wanted to be far away from everything, and one, that brought back the memories of people i once loved - this was simply because i still loved them.

i go to google. i am afraid at first to type out the name but i do it anyways. 

remington leith

i tell myself to shut the computer off right now but i can't bring myself to close the window or the screen of the computer until the door opens to the bedroom leading me to instantly close out the window and shut the screen.

"hey whore." my roommate comes in with his boyfriend at his heels. i sigh nodding at him. "you're coming out tonight, no excuses." joey, my overly gay roommate who doesn't care about my opinions or decisions half of the time, decides for me.

i shake my head. "oh no, i told you i don't 'go out'" i shake my head crossing my arms. "exactly, i've known you for a year, a little more now, you've got to show the boys what they've been missing out. if you keep hiding yourself away you'll never have fun or lay loose." he tells me as he applies, what i am sure, is my lip gloss.

but i hardly wear it so i don't care if it wears it. we also just share everything.

"i really can't come out tonight, i am backed up." i glance at my writing pieces behind him. "come on, it's friday you can work on them tomorrow." he glares at me. "i really can't, please i don't want to come out tonight." i run a hand through my hair.

"you don't need to drink, you just need to come. it's the fact that you're out. plus you look like you've been crying so let james pretty you up and come." he doesn't wait for me to reply as joey pulls me up from the bed moving the computer off my lap first, of course that things his actual child.

he drags me into the living room where i notice the makeup. i don't want to get 'fancied up' nor do i want to go out but there is no more fighting over this, plus maybe it's a good thing i get out of the house tonight, my mind hasn't been in a good place.

within twenty minutes my makeup is done, half of my clothes are thrown around the room when i go to grab an outfit to top it off. i groan knowing that joey isn't going to put these away later so the burden is on me.

"you owe me so big for this." i mumble angrily at him. "i'll put the clothes away this time, i swear." he tells me. "sure." i whisper to only myself as i lean over.

i grab a velvet red bodysuit with some lace black outlining at the breast area that dips down slightly in the middle. i add some high waisted distressed black shorts. to top it off i complete the look with a leather jacket that's fake, i am not rich, but adds style to it.

i put on some knee high black boots that have a small heel on them. i look in the mirror at the person who i am really not. firstly, i never wear this kind of stuff, not anymore atleast. i am positive i never did. even when i felt good about myself.

second, my body doesn't look good one bit. they tried to add some color to my overly pale complexions but it's not working as i've become so thin over these past few years that i've lost most of myself.

my cheeks are much more hallowed, to the point where i almost look sickly, my thighs don't touch, they're so far apart it looks as if they haven't for years now which is true for the most part but i won't admit to having a disorder.

i needed help. serious help. it's sad how i will only admit this now, in my mind. no one will ever get a look into my thoughts, keeping it that way was for the best of me.

i sigh once more because i don't really know of another response to my sudden agreement to dressing like this or going out tonight. i know i will drink simply because i am the age where i finally can.

"you look good, come on work it for those boys to see what they've been missing." joey jokes with me which is basically the only thing that makes me feel good in my skin right now. i smile at him, for once i think it's a real smile even if i am not happy with myself or the way i look, joey fixes things when they start to fall into the darkness.

"let's go guysssss!" james comes into the room with a full face of makeup, did i mention he's the makeup goddess, he can transform anyone. 

"ready?" joey turns to me to make sure i am okay. i want to shake my head, to tell him no, i want to get into bed with my notebook writing the story about the lost girl that's in the city or write my poetry but this wasn't an answer he'd settle for so i nod.

"as ready as i will ever be." i say this under my breath as they start to leave the room making small talk, i make sure no one catches my little convinces to myself, i find that i am convincing myself more and more that i am fine, i can't quite put a finger on what has changed making me need the encouragement but i know it's something.

whether it's good or bad, i am yet to determine but all i can do is hope it leads me to better.