Just Dont.. // Chandler Riggs

Chapter 6

•Chapter 6

I hold the pillow close to me, burying my head in it. There was nothing else to do but lay here in my new home.

I had taken a look around earlier; it was actually a nice house. It didn't mean I liked it any better here. At all..

And I was hating myself more and more every minute. I kissed Chandler and he had a girlfriend. How could I do that to such a innocent girl? Or at least I think she's innocent. I had made Chandler cheat on Hana. How could I? I feel horrible. And I had only experienced this feeling when I got home and found her InstaGram page. But I hadn't even given it a single thought till then. I had kissed a taken boy. She seemed so normal and sweet. Her best friend lived so far away from her. Her boyfriend lived so far away from her. How could I do that so her. I didn't even know the girl. It was all my fault. And I couldn't believe it. Chandler probably hates me.. I made him cheat.

Id hate me..

But that's impossible, you already hate you.

Shut up conscience; no one asked for your opinion.

But you know it's true.

Listen to me. I'm arguing with myself. I'm insane. How can I live with myself?! I'm such a fuck up..

I let a few tears fall, then stand up, wiping then away.

•••//\\//\\//\\•••

Dé Jha Vü replays in my head as I look around the bathroom.

Blood..

Blood..

And more Blood..

My wrists and thighs were slit and I was in a pool of blood and tears.

I hate myself..

Those 3 words replayed in my head over and over as I carefully cut them one by one. Each scar meaning a thousand words.

This scar looks like it's never gonna go away.. It's never gonna fade..

I stare at the deepest scar. It was right above my tan line on my thigh. It didn't matter much if anyone saw. I was through. I guess it matters a little more for me though because everyone knows my name. My career would be over. No one would love me. No one loves me anyways.

I can see the magazine title now: "Shailee Carter: Attention Whore?"

But this wasn't for attention. I already get to much of that. I just felt like I deserved it. I hurt someone so I needed to feel pain. Their pain.

--FlashBack--
**That Morning**

My Mama knocks on the door of the Riggs house. I stand there next to her in dark blue jeans and the same red 'Nintendo' hoodie. This time with nothing under it though. I was too lazy this morning to get dressed. My hair was just left down today to. I guess Mama felt the need to dress up today and show off what a mess her daughter is..

The wooden door opens up and there stands Grayson.

"Hello Grayson. I'm here to drop off Shailee." My Mama says, putting her hand on my shoulder blade.

Wow. She's being very.. Proper today..

Grayson nods, walking away.

"Listen Shai, I have a job interview today. You be good for them. You hear me? Don't show out." Mama says quietly, pushing me into the house.

I nod, sticking my hands in my pockets as Mrs. Gina walks towards my Mama, not noticing.

I turn, sighing deeply and walking into the living room, sitting down on the couch next to Grayson. "Hey little man." I smile falsely, pulling my phone out. Grayson was on a Playstation. We still had a good 30 minutes before we left.

"Hey Shai." Grayson smiles back, crossing his legs on the floor.

I hear the door shut and Mrs. Gina comes back in, walking into the kitchen. "15 minutes before breakfast." She smiles simply.

I nod, unlocking my phone and going to ask.fm.

Q: Is Chandler ur boyfriend
A: Nope lel

Q: Why did you move? Was it because your boyfriend lived there?
A: I don't have a boyfriend..

Q: What are u and Chandler gunna name your childrn?
A: I'm sorry, I'm not dating Chandler. He has a girlfriend

Q: When was you 2s first kiss?
A: Never

Okay. That last one hurt. But Let's just say I was getting a little ticked off. I scroll through the rest of the questions, most of then being about Chandler and I. But one of them catches my eye.

It was hate.

Hate usually doesn't bother me. But this one hit a nerve. And I broke down crying right then. Grayson kept asking what was wrong and it was just killing me. Slowly devouring me from the inside out.

Q: Wheres your Dad to tell you to use protection whore? Oh that's right. Dead.

It was logic to say I didn't respond to that question. Who would? But it was too much to ignore.

"Shai? Shailee what's wrong sweetheart?" Mrs. Gina was running out of the kitchen frantically.

I shake my head, trying to hold back tears but they kept coming. I heard some heavy footsteps coming down the stairs and Chandler runs in. Grayson had wrapped his tiny arms around my shoulders, attempting to comfort me.

"What happened?" Chandler asks, getting on his knees next to me and wrapping his arms around me too. I shake my head, pushing his arms away.

I wasn't going to hurt him. Or Hana. I didn't want to get in the middle of their relationship. And I sure as hell wasn't gun I make him cheat.

Chandler looked hurt, and it hurt me to see him like that. I hurt him. Then there was those three words again.

I hate myself.

--

So here I sit, bleeding out. It's probably 12 at night right now.

All I could think about was my Dad. He left for the military when I was 7 and never came back. Mama said he left us, but I don't want to think that. And I also don't want to think he died. But that's what my minds set on. And apparently everyone else in the United States.

I do the same process I did the night before we left Texas and dry off; putting on a pair of gray sweat pants that come right below my knees and a black tank top. I climb in bed and wrap the covers around me tightly, falling asleep slowly.

This chapter seemed long to write but I don't think it is tbh. But here it is anyways.

I really enjoyed this one. She blames herself for Chandler kissing her. I think it's just a force of habit tbh. She thinks of herself as horrible. And It also told about her Dad. But I'm not gonna make her explain that for now. And can you guess who said that hate? Don't. Please don't. Anyways..

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