Secret In our Heart (Peraya)

Hideout

"P do you see Sing? Is he here?"

"Oh, Ai Chan, Sing at the back still fighting with the machine."

"What the fuck! He still here, how many days already?"

"I am worried about him too, he basically living here, in the game room. Go take him home."

"Yes P, I am gonna drag him out!"

Singto has drove me crazy for the past few months, but the problem is he look just fine but I know he is struggling to fit in. He has been occupying his life with all the university activities from cheerleading, hazer team, sport team, volunteering and obviously "living here in the PC games room", I don't even know how many hours he is sleeping for a day, he need help. I know he is trying hard to be alright not wanting everyone around him to feel worried especially his father. Losing his mother really a huge blow in his life, it is like he is losing his purpose of living as he always been so closed to his mother compared to his father. I still remember his stoic face at his mother funeral, he is not even crying, calmly greet the people and smiled when needed, but that is what worried me more, he is hiding his emotion, bottle up his feeling and it is slowly eating him up.

......................

"Sing, let's go home now, you have been living here for three days, get up now!"

"Later, I am busy right now."

"You are pissing me off right now, so better move your butt now or I am gonna smack this PC into pieces.!"

"Wooo, chill man, what is wrong with you, did I miss anything? We have a meeting or any group assignment?"

"No, lets just go out from here, be human again, lets go eating that steak you like, my treat."

"You are talking like I am some kind of alien, fine whatever you wish, I better go or you will keep bugging me here."

Leaving the arcade behind, both of them walk slowly in silent, the atmosphere is so awkward that Sing started to play games on his phone again while Chan just look at him feeling amazed.

"Sing, P Dew said that he will nominated you for the head hazer position, but you need to be evaluated first by the senior, are you agree on that?"

"Whatever it is I am okay with everything."

"Good , then I tell P later that you are ready for the evaluation." Without looking at him , I continued walking but my step become heavier when that question pop up from his mouth.. Finally he is willing to talk to me about his feeling.

"Bro, I am doing fine is it? I should be fine right because I am still alive, I am living right?"

"Bro... it is okay to feel sad and lost, you can have those feeling.. there is nothing.."

"I am afraid... If I admitted that I feel sad, lost, regret and angry at myself, I will crumbles and the thought of "I really wish that I am dead" will start shaken me up and I end up being that way, being that hopeless guy that I tried really hard to bury in my conscience mind, do you know how many time I have been thinking that dying is much more soothing than living? Why the fucking hell is I am still living safe and sound when my mother has been denied that right! "

"Bro, it is not your fault, her time has comes, God love him more, so stop blaming yourself on what you aren't capable.."

"Capable of changing it, damn I know it myself! But I can't help myself thinking that maybe I could have done more, if only..."

"Bro, the ones who is living need to continue living as a........ human and I believe that your mother feel the same way too. Get a grip of yourself, you have me and others behind you. Let it go bro, your mother will always living in you, she will be with you in every step of the way, so don't ever feel like you are lacking her love, get back on your feet again, this is not the Singto Prachaya that I know. So, why don't we start it with cutting you hair first?"